Mother's Awesome Knowledge

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #137

** What My Mother Taught Me **

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

  2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
  "You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet."

  3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
  " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
  "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
  "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
  "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I’ve told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
     wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #138

** One Out Of Four People In This Country Is Mentally Unbalanced **

Hopefully the above heading made you chuckle.  However, there
 is a story behind the headline.  The slogan was originally devised
by Ann Lander to gain the attention of her audience.

'One out of For People in this country is Mentally Unbalanced.  Think
 of your 3 closest friends... if they seem okay, then you're The One.'
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* Psychiatrist’s Advice

If you think about the mental health topic more carefully, all sorts
of demons crawl out of the woodwork.  In my case it made me think,
'who are the sane?'  I also remember the case of a psychiatrist who
 treated a woman who was insane, but harmless.  She thought that
the 5 dolls she tended were her actual children, the reality was she
was unmarried and had no children.  The psychiatrist said that he
would not cure her even if he could because she was enjoying her
 fantasies so much.

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