Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Humor #11

Sex and Good English!

On his 74th birthday,a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The 
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a near by
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation,
handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned," This is a powerful medicine, 
and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoon, and then say
'1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become  more manly than you have 
ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"your partner must say '1234'," he responded,"but when she does, the 
medicine will not work again until the next full moon".
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom, When she came in, he took off his clothes
and said,"1-2-3 "
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was all excited and 
began  throwing off her clothe,and then she asked him what was the 
1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys, and girls, is why we we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dandling participle.

The Hillbillies, Curtis and Leroy and Their Carpentry Fail
The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

Curtis and Leroy, were doing some carpenter work on a 
Habitat for Humanity house. Curtis,
who was nailing down house siding, would reach into his 
nail pouch, pull out a nail and either
toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

Leroy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 
‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Curtis explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, 
about half of them have the head on the 
wrong end and I throw them away.’

Leroy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! 
Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for 
the other side of the house!’

Little Johnny and Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. 
Little Johnny replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a 
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat,  
Little Johnny answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. 
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of 
Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and 
she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I
’m going to have a wife.’

In My Hand I Hold A  Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland  It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little  Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The  Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell  Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of  Hell
My Life Has Not Been Quite The  Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid  Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A  Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse  And Cry.
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It  Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It straight And  Far
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be  Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball  Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses
It Hooks And  Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My  Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A  Tree Or Take A Swim
With Miles Of Grass On Which To  Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me  Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s  Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It  Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball  Knows …. I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.
A  recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a  year.
Another study found golfers  drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on  average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you  proud.
Almost feel like a hybrid

Subject: Fw: Fw: Blonde Golfer

: Blonde Golfer

>> A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly
>> round  of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young
>> blonde
> woman carrying her clubs approached them. She explained that the member
> who  brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emer gency that
> called him away and she asked the trio whether she could join them.
>> Naturally, the guys all agreed
>> Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a
>> topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want
>> to  smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do
>> anything  that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
>> But I enjoy  playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't
>> try to coach me  on  how to play my shots."
>> With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
>> All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her
>> ball  on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards
>> down the  middle, right in front of the green.  The father's mouth was
>> agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde  put  her driver away
>> and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a  little."
>> After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde
>> took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
>> (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that
>> perfectly."  The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even
>> an easy seven  would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little
>> putt." She then  tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
>> Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck
>> out  of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle
>> of  the  fairway.  For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde
>> continued to amaze the  guys,  quietly and methodically shooting for par
>> or less on every hole.
>> When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
>> had  a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.   She
>> turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for
>> not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or
>> how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to
>> break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on
>> this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old
>> Single  Malt Strath mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then
>> show him a  very good time the rest of the night.
>> The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
>> carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6
>> inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
>> little hump and break right into the cup.
>> The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
>> Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to
>> the  right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into
>> the cup.
>> The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked
>> it  up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
>> The blond smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
>> EVERY TIME  !!!!!

No comments: