Saturday, May 7, 2011

Humor #10

Five of the Best Short Politician Jokes

Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well.
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.

Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular.  Politicians will tell you what is
 popular, even though it may be untrue.

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and
qualifications in just 30 seconds.

Nobody can fix the economy.
Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.
Nobody's perfect.
Vote for Nobody.

Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he
spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service
 manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?'  The famous surgeon, a bit
surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So
Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and
when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get
the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the
engine running.'

Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying,
'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked
like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the
 music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that
rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'

'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new
ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've
gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I
began that!'

'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot'n Tell
or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'

Statistics Don't Lie

How to stay safe in the world today: Where IS the safest place?

1. Avoid riding in automobiles - because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home - 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks - because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water - because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals - so, above all else, avoid hospitals.

But . . . you will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders.

Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!

 And Bible study is safe too! The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

So, attend church, and read your Bible. IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!


[Kindly sent by Elena F.]

The End Is Near?

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the
Swedish Covenant Church, which is just across the road.

One day they join forces and are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which says:


As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you
Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

Good Religious Story for Children

Faith Can Move Mountains


A small congregation in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains, USA, built a new church on
a piece of land left to them by a church member in his will.

Ten days before the new church was to open, the local building inspector informed the vicar that
the parking lot was inadequate for the size of the building. Until the church doubled the size of the
parking lot, they would not be able to use the new sanctuary.

Unfortunately, the church with its undersized parking lot had used every inch of their land except
for the mountain against which it had been built. In order to build more parking spaces, they would
have to move the mountain out of the back yard.

Undaunted, the pastor announced the next Sunday morning that he would meet that evening with
all members who had "mountain-moving faith". They would hold a prayer session asking God to
remove the mountain from the back yard and to somehow provide enough money to have it paved
and painted before the scheduled opening dedication service the following week.

At the appointed time, 24 of the congregation's 300 members assembled for prayer. They prayed
for nearly three hours. At ten o'clock the pastor said the final 'Amen'.

'We'll open next Sunday as scheduled,' he assured everyone. 'God has never let us down before,
and I believe He will be faithful this time too.'

The next morning as he was working in his study there came a loud knock at his door. When he
called "come in", a rough looking construction foreman appeared, removing his hard hat as he entered.

'Excuse me, Reverend. I'm from Acme Construction Company over in the next county. We're building
a huge new shopping mall over there and we need some fill dirt. Would you be willing to sell us a
chunk of that mountain behind the church? We'll pay you for the dirt we remove and pave all the
exposed area free of charge, if we can have it right away. We can't do anything else until we get the
dirt in and allow it to settle properly.'

The little church was dedicated the next Sunday as originally planned and there were far more
members with "mountain-moving faith" on opening Sunday than there had been the previous week.

Author Unknown


In The Church

When my older brother, Shay, was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my
mother when she took communion.

On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, 'What does the priest say when he gives you
the bread?'  Mum whispered something in Shay's ear.

Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, 'Be quiet until you
get back to your seat.'



The Hungry Children Fed: A Thought-provoking Short Religious Story

Marge, a poor widow spoke one morning to her five young children, 'My darlings, I can give you
nothing to eat this morning. I have no bread or anything else to eat. Ask the dear Lord to help us.
 He is rich and mighty, and has said Himself, "Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver
 thee." '

Little Robyn, who was just seven years old, was very hungry and sad as she walked to school.
As she passed by the open door of the church, she went in, and kneeling down, she prayed with
a loud voice in what she thought was an empty church, 'Dear Father in Heaven, we children have
nothing to eat. Our mother has no bread, no meal, not even a piece of fruit. O, help us. Give us
and our dear mother something to eat. Thou art rich and mighty, and can easily help us.'

So prayed little Robyn trusting with her childlike simplicity, then she continued on to school.

When he came home, she saw upon the table a large loaf of bread, a dish of meal and a basket
of fruits. 'Now, thanks to God,' she cried joyfully, 'He has heard my prayer. Mother, has an angel
brought all these things through the window?'

'No, my little Robyn,' said Marge, her mother, 'but still God has heard your prayer. As you kneeled
 at the altar, a good lady was kneeling also in her place in the church. You could not see her, but
she saw you and heard your prayer. She has sent us these things. She is the angel through whom
God has helped us. Now, thank God, and never forget through your whole lives to "call upon God
in your day of trouble." '


Story adapted by Will and Guy, from a Christmas story..

A Thought-provoking Short Story Suitable For Children

Trust In The Lord

This is fiction, only for the purpose of explanation and easy understanding and has been adapted
from the original by Will and Guy.

The night fell heavy in the heights of the mountains and Barney could not see anything. All was
black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.

As he was climbing only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, Barney slipped and fell in to
the air, falling at great speed. He could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible
sensation of being sucked by gravity. Barney continued falling and in the moments of great fear,
 it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how
 close his death was, when all of a sudden, he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.
Barney's body was left hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him and in that moment of
stillness he had no other choice other than to shout, 'Help me God.'

From the sky a deep voice boomed, 'What do you want me to do?'

'Save me God,' pleaded Barney.

'Do you really think I can save you, Barney?' the voice resonated.

'Of course I believe You can.'

'Then cut the rope tied to your waist,' the voice boomed.

There was a moment of silence and Barney thought then decided to hold on to the rope with all
his strength.  The next day the rescue team found a climber dead and frozen. His body hanging
from a rope. His hands holding tight to it………and he was only one foot away from the ground.

Ten of The Best Witty and Funny Church Signs

Notice in a church parking lot.  Trespassers will be baptised.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.  Talk to the Shepherd.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven.  Details Inside!
When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open
Sundays," the chapel reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Church News

We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications.  Here is a snippet from
the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury.

Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised.
Children will be baptised at both ends.


New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet.
 All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.


Charity Begins at Home?

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known
 for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the
 terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work,
and the nine children are starving.  They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless
someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'


Out of the Mouths of Children

The Hand of God
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in
infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been
snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery?  Did you know
God painted this just for you?' Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his
 left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on
God's right hand.'


Bible Study
Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what
they had studied.His reply was, 'Nothing.' So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?
' Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'


Chosen - True Story

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play.  His mother told me that he'd set his heart
on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed
up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then
said those words that will remain a lesson to me ... 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'


A Selection of Short, Clean Christian Jokes

The Lord's Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door,
 as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and
 pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'


What religion are you?
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back
seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied,
'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.


New twist on Lot's tale
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned
to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
Baptists don't recognise each other at the bar on Saturday nights.


Martin Takes the Bait?

Martin arrived at Sunday school late.  Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually
 very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to
go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was
more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Big Cheese in Church: a Smelly, Amusing Tale

Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up
and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.

The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from
a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.

Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'

Funny Father George and His New Suit

For Father's Nicholas's 60th birthday, the congregation at St Mary's, Newark, England, decided to
give him a present of a new suit.

Father Nicholas was so moved by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and
began his homily with a tear in his eye, 'Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit.'


1) The Funny Story of the Taxi Driver and St Peter

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates
 waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you
could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the
mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, ' But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi
driver drove, everyone prayed.


2) A Comic Fishing Tale

One day a Catholic an Anglican and a Methodist decided to go fishing.  They got in their boat
and rowed their way over to the middle of the lake.

The Catholic remarked, 'I've forgotten my hat,' so he got up, got out of the boat and walked
 across the water.

He returned and the Anglican said, 'I've forgotten the fishing bait,' so he got up, climbed out
of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Methodist murmured, 'I've forgotten the beer.'  He got up, jumped out
 of the boat and was standing in the water then he sank.

The Anglican turned to the Catholic and asked, 'Do you think we ought to tell him were the
stepping stones are?'


3) The Funny Story of Father O'Malley and the Acrobat

As soon as she had finished at St Mary's convent school in Mullingar, a bright young girl
named Aileen shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
 before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession
 in the church, which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father O'Malley recognised her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped
out of the confessional and within sight of Father O'Malley, she went into a series of cartwheels,
 leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two elderly ladies. They witnessed
Aileen's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, 'Will you just look at the penance
Father O'Malley is giving out this night, and me wife without me bakkomers

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