Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #13
** Jokes about Lawyers **
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
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Funny Shop Signs. One-liners
1) SIGN IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain basement upstairs
2) NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we
must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do
their best to keep them in order.
3) NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER's WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will
be disposed of.
4) SIGN IN A LAUNDROMAT:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes
when the light goes out.
5) IN AN OFFICE:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside
down on the draining board
6) Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
7) Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
8) Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
9) Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
10) Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS
11) Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
12) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Albert Einstein, 1879 - 1955
'Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an
hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity.'
'Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.'
Good Deal?
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #10
* Ten common fishing expressions explained
1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens
right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops
your boat when you have caught over the limit.
2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his
live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered
by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings
[see also, right hook, left hook].
3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on
Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.
4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an
angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to
the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when
dropped overboard.
6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps
an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your
£15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.
8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in,
but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive
first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects,
so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get an
elastoplasts [band aid], you soon find that you need more than one.
10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler
when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your
creativity in blaming 'that flippin' line' for once again losing the fish.
========================================================
* Moose Hunters
Two moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote
area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition
and both manage to shoot a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at
the animals and says, 'This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment,
and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make
it over the trees on the take off.'
'That's gobbled-gook and nonsense!' explodes an angry Wally.
Yep,' agrees Jeff, 'you're just a cowardly custard. We came out
here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts
. He wasn't afraid to take off!'
'Mmmm,' adds Wally, 'and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours,
Ronnie.'
Ronnie becomes cross, as well, and snaps, 'Dang me, if he did it,
then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody'
Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the
plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees
at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up
. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and
passengers.
Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear
it, and mumbles, 'Where are we?'
Wally appears dishevelled from behind a shrub, looks around and
replies, 'Oh.....I'd say ... about a hundred metres further than last year.'
===============================================================
* Hunters Take Instructions *
Josh and Olly are hunters and they are dragging their dead deer
back to their truck after a successful expedition. As they go they
meet another hunter, who is pulling his deer along too, who shouts
to them both, 'Oiga! I don't want to tell you how to do something ...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.'
The third hunter leaves and Josh and Olly decide to try to do exactly
what he has suggested.
Some considerable time later Josh says, 'You know, Olly, that man
was right. This is an awful lot easier!'
'Yep, Josh, but we're getting farther from the truck,' moans Olly.
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #10
* Ten common fishing expressions explained
1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens
right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops
your boat when you have caught over the limit.
2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his
live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered
by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings
[see also, right hook, left hook].
3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on
Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.
4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an
angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to
the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when
dropped overboard.
6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps
an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your
£15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.
8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in,
but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive
first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects,
so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get an
elastoplasts [band aid], you soon find that you need more than one.
10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler
when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your
creativity in blaming 'that flippin' line' for once again losing the fish.
========================================================
* Moose Hunters
Two moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote
area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition
and both manage to shoot a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at
the animals and says, 'This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment,
and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make
it over the trees on the take off.'
'That's gobbled-gook and nonsense!' explodes an angry Wally.
Yep,' agrees Jeff, 'you're just a cowardly custard. We came out
here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts
. He wasn't afraid to take off!'
'Mmmm,' adds Wally, 'and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours,
Ronnie.'
Ronnie becomes cross, as well, and snaps, 'Dang me, if he did it,
then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody'
Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the
plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees
at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up
. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and
passengers.
Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear
it, and mumbles, 'Where are we?'
Wally appears dishevelled from behind a shrub, looks around and
replies, 'Oh.....I'd say ... about a hundred metres further than last year.'
===============================================================
* Hunters Take Instructions *
Josh and Olly are hunters and they are dragging their dead deer
back to their truck after a successful expedition. As they go they
meet another hunter, who is pulling his deer along too, who shouts
to them both, 'Oiga! I don't want to tell you how to do something ...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.'
The third hunter leaves and Josh and Olly decide to try to do exactly
what he has suggested.
Some considerable time later Josh says, 'You know, Olly, that man
was right. This is an awful lot easier!'
'Yep, Josh, but we're getting farther from the truck,' moans Olly.
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