This is for something

Old Flame?


Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a 
business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man 
she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the 
decline in moral standards.


'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin 
muttered indignantly. 
'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'


'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully. 
'What was her maiden name?
========================================================


Golf Swindler


While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Bob 
remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf 
with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.'


'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.


'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Bob
finality,
 Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket!
=========================================================







Fred's Funeral


Fred is at the office every day and works overtime, but spends 
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. 
His wife thinks he's pushing  himself too hard, so for his 
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
   
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! 
How ya doin?'
   
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Fred. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual 
and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 
'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her,  she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms 
around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and 
storms out of the club...

Fred follows and spots her getting into a  taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have 
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 
four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns  around and says,

'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.
================================================

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder 
and lightning." 
Short funny quotes, Anonymous. 




"Half of the people in the world are below average." 
Short funny quotes, Anonymous. 




"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up 
somewhere else!"
Short and funny quotes, Yogi Berra. 




"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't 
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world," 
Short and funny quotes, Calvin. 




"Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.
Short and funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes. 




"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a 
toaster and a radio.
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield 




"Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
 Women marry men with the hope they will change. 
Invaribly they are both disappointed."
Short and funny quotes, Albert Einstein 




"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important."
Short and funny quotes, Lisa Hoffman. 




"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." 
Short and funny quotes, Anonymous. 




"A rich man's joke is always funny."
Short and funny quotes, Proverb. 




"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat 
us as equals."
Short and funny quotes, Winston Churchill.
=====================================================




"I can resist everything except temptation."
Short funny quotes, Oscar Wilde. 




"There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and 
ready money."
Short funny quotes, Franklin. 




"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've 
done it a thousand times."
Short funny quotes, Mark Twain. 




"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, 
it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
Short funny quotes, David Friedman. 




"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 
Claustrophobic."
Short funny quotes, Unknown. 




"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid
 and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United 
States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
Short funny quotes, George Bush. 




"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
Short funny quotes, Noelie Altito. 




"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the 
wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
Short funny quotes, Ken Dodd. 




"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every 
side of a fool"
Short funny quotes, Edgar Watson Howe. 




"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
Short funny quotes, Unknown. 




"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
Short funny quotes, Paul Getty.
=====================================================



"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot"
Short Funny Quote by, Unkown. 




"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
Short Funny Quote by, Unknown. 




"Lifes Tough, get a helmet!"
Short Funny Quote by, Unknown. 




"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through 
peanut butter."
Short Funny Quote by, Dilbert. 




"Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with
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Short Funny Quote by, Anonymous member of a chain gang. 




"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% 
desperation"
Short Funny Quote by, Unknown. 




"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
Short Funny Quote by, Unknown. 




"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After 
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
Short Funny Quote by, Anonymous. 




"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
 because I hate plants."
Short Funny Quote by, Whitney Brown. 




"Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble 
starts when they try to decide which one."
Short Funny Quote by, Anonymous. 




"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and 
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
 I'm afraid to go to the bathroom." 
Short Funny Quote by, Rodney Dangerfield. 
=========================================================







"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, 
and suffering."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 




"Programming today is a race between software engineers 
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and 
the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, t
he Universe is winning."
Short and funny quote by, Rich Cook. 




"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a 
bad reputation."
Short and funny quote by, Henry Kissinger. 




"y all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. 
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that i
s a good thing for any man."
Short and funny quote by, Socrates. 




"Hermits have no peer pressure."
Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright. 




"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, 
tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
- Short and funny quote by, Pearl Williams. 




"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
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Short and funny quote by, Dave. 




"Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless 
applying for the job of umpire."
Short and funny quote by, Dan Zevin. 




"Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 




"Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants."
Short and funny quote by, Geraldo Rivera. 




"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
 papers. We are the president."
Short and funny quote by, Hillary Clinton (commenting on
 the release of subpoenaed documents).  
=====================================================





"In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination
 should automatically disqualify you."
Short funny quotes by, Jack Handey. 




"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
 appreciate it."
Short funny quotes by, Franklin P. Jones. 




"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I 
should have been more specific."
Short funny quotes by, Jane Wagner. 




"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
 but wish we didn't."
Short funny quotes by, Erica Jong. 




"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
Short funny quotes by, Lily Tomlin. 




"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs 
should relax and get used to the idea." 
Short funny quotes by, Robert A. Heinlein. 




"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three 
out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
Short funny quotes by, David Letterman. 




"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough."
Short funny quotes by, Anonymous. 




"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
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"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."
Short funny quotes by, Anonymous. 




"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My 
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, 
Six should be enough."
Short funny quotes by, Les Dawson.
=====================================================





"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a 
large research staff to study the problem."
Short and funny quote by, Bill Vaughan. 




"I am at two with nature."
Short and funny quote by, Woody Allen. 




"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson. 




"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." 
Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright. 




"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber."
Short and funny quote by, Benjamin Franklin. 




"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike 
doing nearly everything, money is handy."
Short and funny quote by, Groucho Marx. 




"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're 
prejudiced against all races." 
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson. 




"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
Short and funny quote by, Sam Levenson. 




"I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do."
Short and funny quote by, Phyllis Diller. 




"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of 
widths."
Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright. 




"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. 
They rented out my room."
Short and funny quote by, Woody Allen. 
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