Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had
cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at
on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay
her a visit?
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
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What I Want in a Man
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
Revised List (age 42):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
Revised List (age 52):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
Revised List (age 62):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
Revised List (age 72):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
Revised List (age 82):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
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Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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True Stories
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying
he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the
man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out
and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her
first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This
is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried,
they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what
was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in
perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking
on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE ...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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Top 25 Signs that You've Grown Up
Your potted plants stay alive.
Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese,
diet Pepsi and Hi-Ho's.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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