''We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her
job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than
$12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say
words that end in 'g.''' —Jimmy Kimmel.
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''While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also
plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you
haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror.''
—Seth Meyers
============================================================
'Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over
America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing
big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay.'' —Bill Maher
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''Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution.
Let's make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they're up
front about screwing you.'' —Jay Leno
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Why Do Women Live Longer?
Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims particularly
in Afghanistan. Back in the 1990s long before the current Afghan hostility
she spotted that women walk about four paces behind their husbands.
When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret that women
still walk behind their husbands. She pondered why, despite the
establishment of women's rights, wives still pace behind their husbands.
Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the Afghani
women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old custom that you
once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, "Land mines."
She filed her report back to America with the leader:
Behind every Afghan man, there's a smart woman!
===============================================================
Don't Mess With the Elderly
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered
a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,'
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon,
young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
=================================================================
Aussie Darel Takes a Dive
Monty Kelly, a rich man living near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided
that he wanted to throw a party and invited his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting ...
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing
the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping
the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it
float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him
in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Darel said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?
Darel said,'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.
==================================================================
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #114
1) The definition of Cricket as explained to an American:
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and
the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes
out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when
he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men
called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who
are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have
been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out,
that is the end of the game.
==============================================================
2) Cricket tale:
The opening England batsmen in a one day match against Australia were
Marcus Trescothick and a new batsman yet to have appeared on the world stage:
his name was Slugger Hammond.
Brett Lee, the pace bowler, opened the bowling for Australia. The
first ball went fizzing past the off-stump: 'wooooooooph', and was collected by the
wicketkeeper, Adam Gilchrist.
Slugger Hammond did not as much as budge from his place. Lee bowled his second,
third and fourth balls: 'woooooooph…. woooooooooph…wooooooooph'.
Slugger stood stock still just like a statue.
The umpire declared the fifth delivery, "No ball".
Like a true professional Slugger Hammond went down the pitch tapping away at the
ground until he reached Trescothick and said, " I knew from the very beginning the
fellow did not have a ball in his hand."
============================================================
3) Cricket tale:
Michael Vaughan and Andrew [Freddie] Flintoff, now elderly, 85 and 82 years old,
are sitting on a park bench outside Lord’s cricket ground feeding pigeons and
talking about cricket, past Ashes series, and tours like they do every day.
Michael turns to Freddie and asks, "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?"
Flintoff thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make an agreement:
if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first,
you do the same."They shake hands on it.
Sadly, a few months later, poor Freddie passes on.
One day soon afterward, Vaughany is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself
when he hears a voice whisper, "Michael…………….Michael"
Vaughan responds, "Freddie, is that you?"
"Yes it is, Michael," whispers Freddie's ghost.
Vaughany, still amazed, enquires, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well,” says Freddie, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first,” says Vaughany.
Freddie opines, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."
Vaughan says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Freddie sighs and whispers, "You are going to open the innings this Friday."
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