Saturday, May 14, 2011

Laugh for a happier life!

Subject: Thanks Sweetie!!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face
was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.  However,
the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would
 have to come from her buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
 the man's new face.  He looked more handsome than he ever
had before!  All his friends and relatives just went on and on
about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome
with emotion at her sacrifice.  He said, "Dear, I just want to
 thank you for everything you did for me.  How can I possibly
 repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Subject: Fwd: Let's Do It !!

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the
middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the damnedest times
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please... Come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when
you want the window open, do it yourself.

... Let's Offend Everybody!
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.   A different bar.

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their tan,
      curly-haired baby?
A.  Sum Ting Wong.

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one
      arm shorter than the other?
A.   A speech impediment.

Q.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A.   Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the
      car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class
      uses it.

Q.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.  The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the dirty word?
A.  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q.  What's the difference between a northern
      fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A.   A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
      A southern fairytale begins, ...'Y'all ain't gonna believe this.

Q.   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.    Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are
       already in the United States

 OH shut up ... Just pass it on!.....

Forgot my glasses..........

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with
my time.She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang
out with the guys my own age.

I did this, and when I got home last night I told Her that I had
 joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and
You're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a
Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up
 for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier. BUT I TRY

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord
and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in t he butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once
again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

Old Duffer Pride.
 I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old
duffer receiving it. Actually, It's not a bad thing to be
called, as you will see.

Old duffers are easy to spot at sporting events; during
the playing of the Star Spangled Banner, old duffers
remove their caps and stand at attention and sing with-
out embarrassment. They know the words and believe
in them.
Old duffers remember World War ll, Pearl Harbor,
Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the
Atomic Age, the Korean War, The cold War, the Jet Age
and the Moon Landing.They remember the 50 plus
Peacekeepimg Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to
Vietnam. If you bump into an old duffer on the sidewalk
he will apoloigze. If you pass an old duffer on the street,
he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old duffers trust
strangers and are courtly to women.

Old duffers hold the door for the next person and always,
when walking,make certain the lady is on the insid for

Old duffers get embarrassed if someone curses in frot of
women and children and they don;t like any filth or dirty
language on tv or in the movies.

Old duffers have moral courage and personal integrity.
They seldom brag unless it's about their children or

It's the old duffers who know our great country is
protected, not by the politician's, but by the young men
and women in the military serving their country..

Thie country needs Old Duffers with their work ethic,
sense of responsibility,pride in their country and decent
values.We need them now more than sver.

Thank God for old Duffers...Pass this on to all the Old
Duffers you know.

I was taught to respect my elders...It's just getting
harder to find them.

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