Saturday, May 14, 2011

Some more Jokes!

>>>  Bob & the Blonde
>>> Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down
>>> next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
>>> The 10 PM news was coming on.  The news crew was covering
>>> the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
>>> The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
>>> Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."
>>> The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on
>>> the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on
>>> the bar, the guy on the ledge did
>>> a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
>>> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
>>> "Fair's fair.  Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
>>>  I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."
>>> The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
>>> Bob took the money.

I'm a very poor historian, but I found this entertaining! Some of you may not
have seen it before.

Interesting History

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot
& then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this
 to survive you were "Pretty Poor"
.But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot.....
.they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be! Here
are some facts around the 1500s
:Most people got married in June because they took their Yearly bath in May,
and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting
to smell . ..... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
 the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water
 was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to keep warm, so all the cats and other small
 animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and the
 animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the House. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess
up your nice clean sleeping area. Hence, a bed with big posts was constructed
and a sheet hung over the top to afford some protection. That's how canopy beds
came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the 'wealthy' had something other than dirt, hence the saying, "Dirt poor".
 The wealthy had Slate floors that would get slippery when wet, so they spread thresh (straw)
on the floor to help keep their footing.  As winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when
you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. Then a piece of wood would be placed
in the entrance-way to keep all the thresh inside......hence: a "thresh hold".
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big Kettle that always hung over
 the fire.. every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the Stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes
this stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:
"Peas, porridge hot; peas, porridge cold; peas, porridge in the pot nine days old.
" Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
Visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon".....they would cut off a little to
 share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat"
.Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused
some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing a lead-poisoning death. This
 happened most often with Tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.
.Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt Bottom of the loaf,
the family got the Middle, and guests got the Top, or the "Upper Crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes
 knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait to see if they would wake up.....hence the custom of "Holding
a Wake".
.England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury
 people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house,
and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of  25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people
alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin
 and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in
the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could
be, "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So...get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these facts with a friend.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
 Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried
all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a
girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
 Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
 She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often
as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so a
mbitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.


--Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties.   These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into or leave their apartment.   Do you think they could be Lebanese?

--Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On My VCR?

--Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust.   He cheats so much, I'm
not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

--Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years.   It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

--Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.

--Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.   Why would a
boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

--Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world.   I've seen it.  Now
how do I get out?

--Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.   He must be crazy.

--Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober.

--Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is
going through mental pause.

--Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor.   Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor.   Now what do I do?

--Remember!   These people can vote!

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when
 I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you
don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming
home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the
subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from
a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to
have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf
shop where I bought it?

Thanks Jim

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