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What I Want in a Man
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
Revised List (age 42):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
Revised List (age 52):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
Revised List (age 62):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
Revised List (age 72):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
Revised List (age 82):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
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True Stories
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying
he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the
man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out
and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her
first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This
is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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By Bob Wallace
Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth 'Grammy' Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because of an altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left all six hospitalised.
'Justice has been served', said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. 'Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I won't be treated like this.'
The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane. 'These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals', she said, 'but they're dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they're going to search me? I don't think so.'
According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, 'who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn't board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That's when the trouble started.'
Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. 'Doofus was so fat he couldn't get up', said Gordon with a giggle.
One guard who attempted to pull Gordon's wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was cackling, 'Put your hands on an old lady, will you?' as she bashed both guards. The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon's wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock.' What a wimp, 'she told reporters.' He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked.'
'It was amazing', said another witness, a Scott Ryan. 'The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt.'
A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter than had escaped detection.' He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear, 'said Ryan.
A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. 'I think that was the wrong thing to do, 'said another witness, who declined to be identified.' She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went.'
After all this, Gordon's chair was still sitting on top of the first guard.
The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, 'Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when I'm done with you you'll just be a greasy spot on the floor!'
As the crowd roared, the guard cried, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uncle! I won't do it again!'
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance.' We didn't have any choice, 'said an unidentified officer of the court.' Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot.'
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. 'I doubt there's a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything, 'said one of the lawyers.
'I'm flying again tomorrow', Gordon told reporters. 'And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong.'
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