Some of Will’s Favourite Political Bloopers:
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Charles
de Gaulle, ex-French President
"This is a great day for France!" President Richard Nixon while
attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
" President Gerald Ford"
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity
of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his
support of the death penalty.
My fellow astronauts..." Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning
a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad." State Department spokes
person on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or
arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to
make use of them till the ladies are seated." Instructions posted
in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine
items for the police." U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on
a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
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How to Translate Academic Jargon
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this
handy guide by your side.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE
ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED
STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a
beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE
REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS
PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading
an academic paper.
=====================================================
1.My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
2.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3.How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
4.Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
5.If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
6.Why is abbreviation such a long word?
7.How did a fool and his money get together?
8.Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
9.What's another word for thesaurus?
10.Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
11.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
12.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
==================================================
Stupid Football Players
A football coach walked into the changing room before a game.
He looked over to his new signing and said, "I'm not supposed
to let you play since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to
be in the team. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question,
and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play."
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and
asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to
this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got
it correct.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting...,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"
====================================================
* Football Joke - Seat in Stand?
Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season
ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help
noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them
and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket,
especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they
could by buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that
unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week
after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to Bernie and Eddie's amazement
the seat was taken for the first time that season. Eddie could
not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all
season'. Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket
back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.
=====================================================
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester
United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was
only one empty seat - next to Michael.
'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next
seat. 'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied
'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
===================================================
The Question of Hell
Will and Guy's Humour - Something Different - The Question of Hell
The following is an actual question given as part of a university
chemistry exam. The answer given by one student was so
profound that the professor shared it with us.
Exam Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
In answer, one student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand ]
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you' Then we take into account the fact that I slept
with her last night, therefore number 2 must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
extinct. Logically, this leaves only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting, 'Oh my God!'
This student received the only 'A' for this question.
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