ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW...
~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as
a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when
I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.
My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and
sure enough,here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa,
and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
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* Naughty Bears
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana
Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to
take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as
not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen
to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also
a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should
recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.
Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop is larger and has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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* I'm Gonna be a Bear.
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, I'm gonna be a bear!
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Subject: Written by a Woman
(NOTE: Written by a Woman)
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband
that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes
up with a suggestion.If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again ..although
he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for quite sometime.
Stupid, stupid man !!
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Subject: Minnesota Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa . He told her that she was
going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from California . He had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cook ing. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Woman from Minnesota . He told her that in
addition to being half-contributor to the two-family income, her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he couldn't see
anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything. By the third day
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the
dishwasher.........................
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Subject: Women
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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Keep reading-they get better!!!
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse
.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked
.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and
a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she
came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.
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WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you
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WHO DOES WHAT ?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and
I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed say , 'HEBREWS'
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed
his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece
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SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
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