Tuesday, September 20, 2011

More Amusing stories

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #152


** Wheelbarrows **


There’s a story set just after the second world war at Portsmouth 
dockyard.


One day Ministry of Defence policeman [Mod plod] stopped a 
worker who was walking out of the dockyard gates pushing a 
wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The Mod 
plod opened the package and found it contained nothing but 
some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.


The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing 
a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once 
more it contained nothing of any value.


The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the 
policeman finally said, "OK, I give up. I know you are up to 
something, but I just can’t tell what. Please, I promise not to 
arrest you, but put me out of my misery; tell me what you are 
stealing."


Wheel Barrows., my friend, Wheels Barrows.


At the end of one day old Fred passed the security booth, gave a 
cheery wave, then fell over in an apoplectic fit.  Worried, the 
security guard rushed over to the stricken man and tried to 
give him heart massage.  Perplexed, the guard could not get 
anywhere near Fred's heart because ten inner tubes were 
restricting access.  


Fred was stealing the tubes by wearing them around his trunk.  
A quick and delicate job with his Suisse army knife  soon had Fred 
breathing normally.  In no time Fred was on his feet and having a 
quiet word with the factory manager about missing wheelbarrows.
=======================================================


Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #150


** Here is another select of Will and Guy's Funny Stories **


1) 50 Dollars is 50 Dollars


Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and 
every year Morris would say,” Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.
" Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." 
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said 
"Esther I’m 85 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never
 get another chance.” Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."  The pilot over heard the 
couple and said, "folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you 
for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word 
I won't charge you! but if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." 


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds 
of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. he did his dare 
devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they 
landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything 
I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I’m impressed!" 


Morris replied, "well I almost said something when Esther fell out, 
but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"


[Kindly sent in by John Franklin].


2) The American and the Welsh Farmers


An American farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist 
exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he 
dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a 
Welsh farmer.


"How big is your spread?", asked the American.  "Well look you, 
it's about 20 acres he said".  Only 20 acres the American 
responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my 
horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky 
to cover half my farm". "Dew dew", said the Welshman, "I once 
had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard."


3) Grandfather in the Ark?


My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his 
grandfather's knee and have stories read to him.  One day after 
a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to 
the safety of the ark.  The little boy asked, "Granddad, you are 
very old, were you in Noah's ark?"  "Gosh no", said Granddad.
In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?"


====================================================


A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another 
car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. 
“Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the 
indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father 
just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but 
that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because 
I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you 
saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says:
 “Too late, douchebag.”
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a 
good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and 
go to sleep.


Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
 “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”


“And what do you deduce from that?”


Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me
 that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I 
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a 
small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you?


Holmes is silent for a moment. 
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #154


** Toponymy **


The study of unusual place names is called Toponymy.  Have 
you ever lived in a place with a strange name?  What happens
 is that everyone who lives there becomes oblivious of the names
 amusing connotation.  Another common occurrence is that 
people in the area refer to the place with a strange pronunciation. 
 For example, I stayed for a while in charming village in Cornwall 
called Mousehole.  Did people pronounce it Mouse Hole?  
No, they refer to it as Mousle, the aitch is silent.


Here are some examples Will and Guy researched, we hope 
they make you smile:


Curious Name Places Located in the USA


Paradox, strange as it may seem, is in New York
Crapo, unfortunately for them is in Maryland
Boogertown, is happily in North Carolina
Hellhole, is depressingly to be found in Idaho
Purgatory, is sadly in Maine
Volcano, an explosive place in Hawaii
Needmore, is in the greedy state of Arkansas 
Hardup, is in the poor [you must be joking} state of Utah
Rudeville, surprisingly perhaps is in New Jersey
Boring, can be found in Oregon [I wonder if it is?]
Hell, is in Michigan [Some other places too, I suspect]
Hooker, can be found in California [And other places too]
Virgin, is a place in Utah
Dulls Corner, is in Maryland [Do they wear pointy hats there?]
Bowlegs, is amusingly in Oklahoma
Beersville, is a fine town in Pennsylvania
Fleatown, is an itchy place in Ohio
Burnt Corn, can be seen in Alabama
Two Guns, famously in Arizona
Toad Suck, is a found in Arkansas
A Monkey's Eyebrow, is based in Arizona


Curious Name Places Located in the UK


Ugley in Essex [What a pity; is there an Ugley Women's Institute
 or Working men's Club, in the town?] 
Pratts Bottom in Kent [Even more so]
Great Snoring in Norfolk
Little Snoring in Norfolk [which would you prefer to live in?]
Beer in Devon [Possible retirement place for Will?]
Giggleswick in Yorkshire
Maggots End in Hertfordshire [Ugh]
Great Cockup in Cumbria
World's End can be found in Berkshire and again near Birmingham
 [Lovely pub/restaurant in the place near Denmead, Hampshire]
Blubberhouses in Yorkshire [Visited there once says Will]
Catbrain near Bristol
Crank in Merseyside [Probably more than one]
Hole in the Wall near Ross-on-Wye, Herefordshire [Visited a pub 
named that in Caernarfon, North Wales, once or twice say Guy and Will]
Idle near Bradford, Yorkshire
 [Fancy belonging to the Idle Men's Working Club]
Lilliput near Bournemouth, Dorset [Full of little people?]
Mumps in the Greater Manchester area [Sounds painful]
Piddlehinton in Dorset [There are several names like this based 
around The River Piddle - true].  
There is also a Wyre Piddle in Worcestershire.
Pity Me in Durham [OK].

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