POLITICAL ONE LINERS AND JOKES

Funny Political One-Liners


In democracy it's your vote that counts; 
In feudalism it's your count that votes. 
Mogens Jallberg


The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 
'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. 
Larry Hardiman


'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you 
cover the known.'  
Thomas Pickering


'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have 
come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.' 
Ronald Reagan


Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest
 political news.


'The government's view of the economy could be summed up 
in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, 
regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'. 
Ronald Reagan


'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national 
emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'. 
Ronald Reagan


Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches 
or books, and there is some evidence that they 
can't read them either.
Gore Vidal


'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, 
diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'. 
Sir Ernest Benn


'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'. 
Napoleon Bonaparte.


On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree 
of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the 
governing.'
Alexis de Toqueville


'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it 
exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the 
wrong remedy'. 
Ernest Benn


'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'. 
Wayne Haisley


'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising 
is right and the budget is big enough.' 
Joseph Levine


Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
Anon


'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take 
sides in American politics.' 
George Mitchell.


A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is 
putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain


Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 
Kin Hubbard


When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first
things to be bought and sold are legislators. 
PJ O'Rourke


Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' 
until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
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Four Funny Political Shorts


Four years ago, my brother ran for state senator.
What does he do now?
Nothing. He got elected.


Why don't we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician's 
house? 
Professional courtesy.


Mum: What makes you think our son will be a politician? 
Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing
 than any other boy on the block
.
 A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady 
answered. 'What party does your husband belong to?' he asked.


The lady responded curtly, 'I sir, am the party he belongs to.'
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George Bush Political Jokes


1) 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to 
the polls'.  George W Bush [President USA]


2) Washington DC Newsflash: A tragic fire on Monday destroyed 
the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his 
books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was 
devastated, as he had not finished colouring the second one.


3) Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. 
He concludes by saying: 'Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were 
killed'. 'OH NO!' the President exclaims. 'That's terrible!'
His staff are stunned at this display of emotion, they watch 
nervously as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, 'How many is a 
brazillion?'
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Lord Mandelson Visits School


Did anyone tell you about the day when Lord Peter Mandelson 
was visiting a primary school in England, and was taken into the 
room of a class discussing words and their meanings. The 
teacher asked Lord Mandelson whether he would care to lead a 
discussion on the word "Tragedy", 
so he asked the class to give him an example.


A little boy stood up, and said, "If my best friend, who lives 
on a farm, was playing in the field, and a tractor ran over him, 
and killed him, that would be a tragedy".


"No," said Lord Mandelson, 'that wouldn't be a tragedy: that 
would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand: "If the school bus had fifty boys 
and girls in it, and it drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, 
that would be a tragedy".


"I'm afraid not," explained Lord Mandelson; "That is what we 
would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No child volunteered.


Lord Mandelson's eyes searched the room. "Can no one here 
give me an example of a tragedy?"


At the back of the room, a little hand went up, and a quiet voice said, 
"If a plane carrying you and Mr Brown was struck by friendly fire and
 blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".


"Magnificent!" exclaimed Lord Mandelson, "That's right! And can 
you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," said the quiet voice, "It has to be a tragedy, because it 
certainly wouldn't be a great loss, 
and it probably wouldn't be an accident."  
Kindly send in by Les.
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Tory or Labour? - Political Cats


Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on 
the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says,
 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, 
They're brand new kittens.'


Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they? 
 'Socialists', the child says.


'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.


A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony
 Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon 
says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with
 the box.


Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those
 little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens 
they are.'


The boy replies, 'They're Tories.'


'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said 
they were Socialists. What's changed? 'Well, 'the lad says, 
'Their eyes are open now
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How the Bush Administration Changed a Light Bulb


How many members of the Bush administration did it take to change
 a light bulb?.........Nine!


One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs 
to be changed;
One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret
 stockpile of light bulbs;
One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
 light bulb;
One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing 
on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb. Change Accomplished;
One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting
 in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush
 has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between 
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
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Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners


'The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.' 
Will Rogers


'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you 
cover the known.'  
Thomas Pickering


When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know 
whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'  
Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents 
since)


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better 
to change the locks.
Doug Larson


Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or 
books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
Gore Vidal


'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, 
diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'. 
Sir Ernest Benn


On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of 
ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.'
Alexis de Toqueville


'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists
 or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy'. 
Ernest Benn


'There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole 
government working for you'.
Will Rogers


'Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same 
bunk'. 
Edgar A. Shoaff


'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is 
right and the budget is big enough.' 
Joseph Levine


Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political 
news.


'Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, 
even where there are no rivers'. 
Nikita Kruschchev


'Artificial hearts are nothing new.  Politicians have had them for years.' 
Mack McGinnis


Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
Anon


'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in 
American politics.' 
George Mitchell.


A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on
 its shoes. 
Mark Twain


When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things
 to be bought and sold are legislators.  
PJ O'Rourke


Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
Alfred E. Newman
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