Thursday, September 29, 2011

You need a good laugh


Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play --
normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
 and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness
before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play
the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the entire course,
with special attention to well formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a
player's equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,
just in case.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been
 properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played on for the first time. Previous players have been known
to become irate if they discover someone else playing what
 they consider to be a private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
 times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the
course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to
be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players
will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission
before attempting to play the back nine.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared
to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily,
at the course owner's request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.

The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership
at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the
course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason,
 many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #4

** Something Slightly Different **

To paraphrase that great comic Monty Python, 'Now for something
slightly different'.  Here are amusing even clever, plays on words.
These are the sort of jokes that make you smile rather than laugh.

# A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
# What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
# A backward poet writes inverse.
# With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
# The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
# He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
# Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
# When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair,
she thought she'd dye.
# Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
# Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
# Acupuncture is a jab well done.
# Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

* Five Funny Wedding Shorts

1) Nicky: I'm a man of few words.
  Mike: I'm married, too.

2) The five essential words for a good marriage:
'I apologize' and 'You are right.'

3) A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet,
but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.

4) If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

5) My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.


Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #5

Foreign Holiday Notices
Here are a collection of notices that made our foreign holiday one long laugh.  English is such a difficult language to learn, just the smallest mistake can produce a hilarious joke.

* In the Bedroom:
1) Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person
    to do such thing please not to read notice.
2) Please to bathe inside the tub.
3) Please leave your values at the front desk.
4) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
    opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
    be used for this purpose.

* In a the bar:
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today — no ice cream.

* In the Hotel Shop
1) For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient
2) If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
3) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute
     customers in strict rotation.
4) Specialist in women and other diseases
5) Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Old Flame?

Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a
business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man
she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the
decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin
muttered indignantly.
'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'

'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully.
'What was her maiden name?
Golf Swindler

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig
remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf
with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig
finality, Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket!

Fred's Funeral

Fred is at the office every day and works overtime, but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing  himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred!
How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Fred. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her,  she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms
around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club...

Fred follows and spots her getting into a  taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns  around and says,

'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

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