Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything
he's got, and accidentally gets more than gas in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible
sense of humor!!!!!!!
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The Question of Hell
Will and Guy's Humour - Something Different - The Question of Hell
The following is an actual question given as part of a university
chemistry exam. The answer given by one student was so
profound that the professor shared it with us.
Exam Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
In answer, one student wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand ]
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you' Then we take into account the fact that I slept
with her last night, therefore number 2 must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
extinct. Logically, this leaves only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting, 'Oh my God!'
This student received the only 'A' for this question
**************************************************
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked .
"Hunting Flies"
He responded .
"Oh ! Killing any?"
She asked .
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied .
Intrigued , she inquired ..
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.”
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A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman
in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what
the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here,
people?", asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding
annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I,
till ya shined that light in her face."
==============================================
Genie in the Lamp...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me
from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month
and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget
about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought
about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to
Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the
bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how
much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and
tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
Additional Details
20 hours ago
So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they
feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the
silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they
You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
**********************************************************
My Good Deed...
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's
name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the
book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your
name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies,
"Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn
type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out t
o God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for
the update to come through, can you tell me about a really
good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there
was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw
a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I
slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20
of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my
car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the
leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds,
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers
formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or
'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around
and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl
alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals!
Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
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