There's No Fury Like a Woman Scorned!
On the first day Margo packed all her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the
second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, Margo sat
down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft
background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each an every room and deposited few half-eaten
anchovies dipped in caviar down the curtain rods.
When Margo's husband Ralph returned with his new girlfriend Tracey, all was bliss for the first
few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping,
and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out
for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting....
.Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, Ralph and Tracey could not find a
buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then Margo called Ralph, and asked how things were going and he told her the saga of the
rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and
would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, Ralph agreed on a price that was
about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later Ralph and Tracey stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home - including the CURTAIN RODS!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only in America - Strange Story but True Story of the Cigars
A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured
them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the
man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost 'in a series
of small fires'.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the
cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued - and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless
that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it
considered to be 'unacceptable fire' , and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a
lengthy and costly appeal the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost 'in the fires'.
After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to
get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front
.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke
.
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
..
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
.
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
.
EVER WONDER ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the
whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to
someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to
everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria,
which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.
Technically though, the driest place on Earth
is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island .
There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain
Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig’s Eye
after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant
who set up the first business there.
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved:
in the U.S.A. = 1%;
in Canada = .75%
Russia
The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the
Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia .
It reached a depth of 12,261 meters
(about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles).
It was drilled for scientific research
and gave up some unexpected discoveries,
one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen
- so massive that the mud coming from the hole
was boiling with it.
United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires
that one mile in every five must be straight.
These straight sections are usable as airstrips
in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela
drops 3,212 feet (979 meters).
They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish men, Kearney and O'Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the
models. Kearney remarks to O'Riordan, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
O'Riordan replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price.'
Kearney says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
O'Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea. Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O'Rordan, 'Did you ever
receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?'
O'Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
She sent all her clothes yesterday
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Women
---------------------------
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep reading-they get better!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT ?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed
his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK
CAN HANDLE IT!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment