A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?”
she asked.
“Hunting Flies,”
he responded.
“Oh! Killing any?”
she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked,
“How can you tell them apart?”
He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.”
==============================
South Carolina Declares War!
Pres. Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello? President Obama ?" a deep southern voice said,
"This here's Archie down at Joe 's Catfish Shack in Charleston ,
SC , and I am callin' to tell all y'all up there in Washington that
we are officially declaring war on you folks."
"Well, Archie," Barack replied, "this is, indeed, some very
interesting news. How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there's me,
my cousin Harold and my next door neighbor Randy plus the whole
dart team here in Hooters. That makes 8 of us!"
Barack paused.
"I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army
and they are waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie, "I'll have to call you back."
A few minutes later, Archie called again.
" Mr. Obama , this war is still on. We managed to acquire some
infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well, we got us a couple a combines, a bulldozer and Harry 's
tractor."
Obama grinned and sighed... "I must tell you guys, Archie, that I
have 16,000 tanks and 140,000 armored personnel carriers and
I've increased my army to one and a half million since we spoke a
few minutes ago."
"Lawdy mercy!" said Archie, "Lemme get back to ya."
A few minutes later, Archie called back.
" Mr. Obama , I'm sorry to say it, but we have had to call off this
here war we been talkin' 'bout."
"Well, Archie, I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack.
"Why the sudden change of heart, if I may I ask?"
"Well, I tell you, prez, it's like this," said Archie. "We've sat
ourselves down and had a chat over our sweet tea and we jus'
come to realize that there ain't no way in hell we can afford to
feed two million prisoners!"
=================================================
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #101
* Out of the Mouths of Babes
Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence.
The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.
* Funny comments made by children.
Cream loses its magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?
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* Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher:
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers
we've ever had."
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* The Chase
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had
kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother
.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
"but three girls helped me catch him."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
* Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at
it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between the pages.
"Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!" Bobby called out. "What have
you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written
all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
* Home Alone
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next
door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied,
"No, I'm the lonely child."
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* Road Hog
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked
my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"
================================================
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #108
* Funnies from the Small Ads Column
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served
by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
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