Funny Quotes...#.3

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other 
plans"
Short and funny quote by, John Lennon. 


"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a 
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun 
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." 
Short and funny quote by, Jeff Foxworthy. 


"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells
 her
 that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Zippers are more popular in automated offices than elsewhere --
 if you wear a button, someone's liable to push it."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased 
to be amused." 
Short and funny quote by, Shirley Maclaine. 


"Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over 
a leaky sink."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." 
Short and funny quote by, Robert Orben. 


"Despite what the cartoonists make him look like, Uncle Sam is a 
gentleman with a very large "waste."
short and funny quote by, Ananymous. 


"You can be young without money but you can't be old without it."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"He's got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed." 
Short and funny quote by, Leopold Fechtner.
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"You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and 
being a woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I 
originally got pierced ears."
Short and funny quote by, Geri Jewell. 


"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good 
I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." 
Short and funny quote by, Mitch Hedberg. 


"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police 
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
Short and funny quote by, Ilie Nastase. 


"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their 
shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away
 from them and you have their shoes."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
Short and funny quote by, Will Rogers. 


"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes 
are perfect."
Short and funny quote by, Benny Hill. 


"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built 
the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"There Are Three Kinds of People - Those Who Can Count and 
Those Who Can't"
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' 
was already taken."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway 
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating 
a slow learner."
Short and funny quote by, Lyndon B. Johnson.
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"In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination 
hould automatically disqualify you."
Short funny quotes by, Jack Handey. 


"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
 appreciate it."
Short funny quotes by, Franklin P. Jones. 


"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I 
should have been more specific."
Short funny quotes by, Jane Wagner. 


"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer 
but wish we didn't."
Short funny quotes by, Erica Jong. 


"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
Short funny quotes by, Lily Tomlin. 


"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs 
should relax and get used to the idea." 
Short funny quotes by, Robert A. Heinlein. 


"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three 
out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
Short funny quotes by, David Letterman. 


"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough."
Short funny quotes by, Anonymous. 


"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
Short funny quotes by, Anonymous. 


"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."
Short funny quotes by, Anonymous. 


"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My 
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should 
be enough."
Short funny quotes by, Les Dawson.
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"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, 
and suffering."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 




"Programming today is a race between software engineers 
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and 
the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
 the Universe is winning."
Short and funny quote by, Rich Cook. 




"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a 
bad reputation."
Short and funny quote by, Henry Kissinger. 




"y all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
 If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...
and that is a good thing for any man."
Short and funny quote by, Socrates. 




"Hermits have no peer pressure."
Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright. 




"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax,
 tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
- Short and funny quote by, Pearl Williams. 




"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore 
helmets."
Short and funny quote by, Dave. 




"Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless 
applying for the job of umpire."
Short and funny quote by, Dan Zevin. 




"Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 




"Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants."
Short and funny quote by, Geraldo Rivera. 




"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
 We are the president."
Short and funny quote by, Hillary Clinton (commenting on the 
release of subpoenaed documents).
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