FUNNY QUOTES---# 2

"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."
Short Funny Quote by, John Peers. 


"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. 
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other 
is to let her have it."
Short and funny quote by, Lyndon B. Johnson 


"You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try."
Short and funny quote by, Homer J. Simpson. 


"Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel."
An American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors 


"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their 
children to come back home."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosbey. 


"Always drink upstream from the herd." 
Short funny quotes by, Anonymous. 


"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory 
goes, and I can't remember the other two..." 
Short funny quotes by, Sir Norman Wisdom. 


"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds 
of useful things like...love!"
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson. 


"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press?
 I don't get it."
Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright. 


"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, 
but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." 
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson. 


"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, 
half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the 
size it needs to be"
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.
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"Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do 
is smoke pot and play frisbee!"
Short and funny quote by, Eric Cartman. 


"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, 
half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the 
size it needs to be"
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality." 
Short and funny quote by, Clifton Fadiman. 


"Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep 
it a few minutes."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much 
to ask of a millionaire?" 
Short and funny quote by, Zsa Zsa Gabor. 


"Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless 
you act upon it."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your 
feet on your office desk."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"One of the most important things to remember about infant 
care is: don't change diapers in midstream."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or the cook." 
Short and funny quote by, Harry Oliver. 


"Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and 
eskimos."
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson.
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"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants." 
Short and funny quote by, Chuck Tanner. 


"Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs 
and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, 
it is called golf." 
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when 
the other fellow is bigger than we are."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more 
often drain the kids."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath".
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"He's nice to people 'n animals... but you oughta hear him talkin' 
to a golf ball!" 
Short and funny quote by,Dennis The Menace. 


"Procrastination gives you something to look forward to." 
Short and funny quote by, Joan Konner. 


"The downhill path is easy, but there's no turning back." 
Short and funny quote by, Christina Rossetti. 


"By the time we're ready to admit we've reached middle age,
 we're beyond it."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go 
back to sleep."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.
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"Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he 
is kicking you in the seat of the pants." 
Short and funny quote by, Walter Winchell. 


"We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when 
the other fellow is bigger than we are."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name 
was Always." 
Short and funny quote by, Rita Rudner. 


"Man was given a sense of humor to compensate for nature's law 
of gravity."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"The latest new dance craze is called, "The Politician." It's two steps
 forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." 
Short and funny quote by, Harry S. Truman. 


"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants." 
Short and funny quote by, Chuck Tanner. 


"Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs 
and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society,
 it is called golf." 
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when the 
other fellow is bigger than we are."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more 
often drain the kids."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.
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"I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my 
eyelids." 
Short and funny quote by, Johathan Raban. 


"A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge 
to lunch."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's 
troublesome." 
Short and funny quote by, Issac Asimov. 


"Trouble defies the law of gravity. It's easier to pick up 
than to drop."
Short and funny quote by, Johathan Raban. 


"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded." 
Short and funny quote by, Yogi Berra. 


"Why don't you learn from my mistakes? It takes half your 
life to learn from your own." 
Short and funny quote by, Shelagh Delaney. 


"Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of 
fools." 
Short and funny quote by, Gene Brown. 


"Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling in your 
stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Income tax has made more liars out of the American people
 than golf." 
Short and funny quote by, Will Rogers. 


"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a 
substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
Short and funny quote by, Issac Asimov.
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"He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to 
find the mattress half gone."
Short funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Of all the things that tax a man's patience, there's nothing 
to compare with a stuck zipper."
Short funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by 
spectacular error." 
Short funny quote by, John Kenneth Galbraith. 


"Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the 
taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent."
Short funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Summer is the season when the air pollution is much warmer."
Short funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love." 
Short funny quote by, Joe E. Lewis. 


"If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation 
was bad, he should see how it is with representation." 
Short funny quote by, Rush Limbaugh. 


"Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better 
on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove."
Short funny quote by, Anonymous. 


"Swearing was invented as a compromise between running 
away and fighting." 
Short funny quote by, Finley Peter Dunne. 


"A great many people have a soldier's stomach - everything they 
eat goes to the front."
Short funny quote by, Anonymous.
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