"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
Short funny quotes by, Bob Hope
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
Short funny quotes by, Ronald Reagan
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Short funny quotes by, Dean Martin
"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
Short funny quotes by, Tommy Lasorda
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
Short funny quotes by, Jim Wohford
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson Short
funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosby
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein
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"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
Lily Tomlin
"I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
Winston Churchill
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"
John Lennon
" A line is a dot that went for a walk."
Paul Klee
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.
The older she gets the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
Mark Twain
"Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue."
David Brent
"Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed."
Winston Churchill
"Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female."
Desmond Morris
"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!"
Homer Simpson
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"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
Lana Turner
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
Buddy Hackett
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
Robert Benchley
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
P. J. O'Rourke
"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me."
Warren Buffett
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
Rodney Dangerfield
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Fred Allen
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx
"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."
Carl Sandburg
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"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosby
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good
is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
Short funny quotes by, Dennis Wholey
"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."
Short funny quotes by, Unknown
"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance,
everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Short and funny quotes, Dereke Bruce
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." Short and funny quotes, Jack Handey.
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
Short and funny quotes, Unknown.
"It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes."
Short funny quotes, Unknown.
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
Short funny quotes, Bob Hope.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Short funny quotes, Rich Cook.
"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
Short Funny Quote by, Unknown.
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"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosby
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Short funny quotes by, Oprah Winfrey
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Short funny quotes by, Groucho Marx
"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof."
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Short and funny quotes, Oscar Wilde.
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield.
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
Short funny quotes, Albert Einstein.
"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic."
Short funny quotes, Dan Rather.
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep --
not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
Short funny quotes, Unknown.
"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game.
Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
Short Funny Quote by, Rita Rudner.
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
Short Funny Quote by, Richard M. Nixon.
===================================================
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosby
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Short funny quotes by, Oprah Winfrey
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Short funny quotes by, Groucho Marx
"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof."
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Short and funny quotes, Oscar Wilde.
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield.
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
Short funny quotes, Albert Einstein.
"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic."
Short funny quotes, Dan Rather.
"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game.
Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
Short Funny Quote by, Rita Rudner.
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
Short Funny Quote by, Richard M. Nixon.
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