Jokes I found surfing the net!!!
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred,
'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at
the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonnay.'
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning
and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
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Random Funny Jokes
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking
confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is
good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?
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Good Question indeed!
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have
I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a
little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us
store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods."
"That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps
to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
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Bizarre Real Life Animal Laws
In North Carolina, it is against the law to use elephants to plow
cotton fields.
In New York City, one is forbidden from shooting rabbits from
the back end of a Third Avenue streetcar when it is moving.
In Kansas, people cannot shoot rabbits while in a motorboat.
In Statesville, North Carolina, it is against the law to race rabbits
in the streets.
In Tuscumbia, Alabama, no more than eight rabbits can reside
on the same block.
A law in Detroit, Michigan, prohibits crocodiles from being tied
to a fire hydrant.
Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn,
New York.
In Baltimore, Maryland, it is necessary to document any services
performed by a jackass. (what is this-a political joke?).
In Ohio, it is against the law to set a fire under your mule if it balks.
In Arkansas, if your 2-year-old mule runs wild and is unclaimed
within 2 days, anyone may castrate the animal.
In Marshalltown, Iowa, a horse will be breaking the law if it eats
a fire hydrant.
People can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a
dog in Oklahoma.
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to
congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, dogs are prohibited from going on private
property unless the owner gives his consent first.
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
Dogs are strictly forbidden from riding in ambulances in Westport
, Massachusetts.
Wallace, Idaho, decreed it is unlawful for anyone to sleep in a
dog kennel.
In Clawson, Michigan, a law specifically makes it legal for a farmer
to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. But the
animals may not be in the house after sunup or during the day.
Florida has a law prohibiting the transporting of livestock on school
buses.
If you live in Franklin, Kentucky, you can't legally trade horses after
dark.
In Alabama, no mules can be traded after supper when the sun has
already gone below the horizon.
In Idaho, you can't buy or sell chickens after sundown without the
sheriff's permission.
It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee and the state of
Washington.
In Seattle, goldfish can ride the city buses in bowls only if they
keep still.
You cannot shoot fish with a bow and arrow in Louisville, Kentucky.
You cannot shoot fish with a gun in the state of Washington or in
Hazelhurst, Mississippi.
It's against the law to get a fish drunk in Oklahoma.
In Kansas, you cannot fish with your bare hands, while in the state
of Washington, you can't catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.
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A Golden Nugget
In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her
husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so
delighted that he went to the News office and told that he
had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be
found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter
to get particulars.
This is what happened:
Reporter - Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs. Brown - He does.
Reporter - Is he in?
Mrs. Brown -No he isn't.
Reporter - I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing
12 pounds?
Mrs. Brown - (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter - Can you show me the exact location where it
was found?
Mrs. Brown - I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter - Is the hole far from here?
Mrs. Brown - No, it is quite handy.
Reporter - Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs. Brown - Almost ten months.
Reporter - Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs. Brown - He thought he was.
Reporter - Was the work difficult?
Mrs. Brown - It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter - Is the water plentiful?
Mrs. Brown - Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter - Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs. Brown - No, but quite near it.
Reporter - Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs. Brown - Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter - Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs. Brown - No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter - Do you help him?
Mrs. Brown - I do my level best.
Reporter - do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs. Brown - No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter - Can I see the nugget?
Mrs. Brown - Certainly!
She brought the baby in for inspection.
The embarrassed reporter was nowhere to be seen....
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Blonde on a Flight
The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy
class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and
that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blond, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Houston
and i'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs
in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for economy she will have to leave
and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful,i'm going to
Houston and i'm staying right here."
the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the
police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman
who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back
to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him
what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston"
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