Sunday, May 22, 2011

Butt-Kicking Funny Jokes

Elsie, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man in his brand
new red BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for.
Elsie was so angered that she approached the young fellow and enquired, through gritted teeth,
 'I was about to park there.'

The man looked at her with disdain and replied,
'That's what you can do when you're young and bright.'

This annoyed Elsie even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up
and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.

The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice, '
What did you do that for?'

Elsie smiled at him and said, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich.


A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems
at the Day Centre coffee morning.

'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak
 I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'

'Yes, I know.' replied the second,
 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'

'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third,
'because of the arthritis in my neck.'

'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth,
 adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'

'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first,
'We should be thankful that we can still drive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'A teenage boy called Joel had just passed his driving test
and asked Dad when they could discuss his use of the car.

Dad said 'Ill make a deal with you Joel, You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment,
 decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Joel, you've brought your grades up
and I've seen that you have been studying your Bible.
But I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my Bible studies
that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

"Joel, did you also notice all those people walked everywhere they went?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctors vs Gunowners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the
U.S. is 700,000.

(B) The number of accidental deaths
caused by physicians per year are
120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per Physician
is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of..... U.S.Dept
of Health and Human Services
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:

GUNS

(A)  The number of gum owners
in the U.S. is 80,000,000  
(80 million)

(B) The number of accidendal
gun deaths per year, all
groups,is 1,500

(C) The number of accidential
deaths per gun owner is
0.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So,statistically, doctors are
approximately

9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember,'Guns don't kill
people, doctors do.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Not everybody has a gun,
almost everyone has at least
one doctor.
-------------------------------------------------

Idle Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

1)  I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now
     I don't know what to feed it.

2)  I had amnesia once---or twice.

3)  I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
    Now what?

4)  Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
    catholic.

5)  All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't
    make me happy.

6)  If the world were a logical place, Men would be
    the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

7)  What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

8)  They told me that I was gullible and I believed them.

9)  Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the
     home and, when he grows up, he'll never be
     able to merge his car onto the freeway.

10) Experience is the thing you have left when
       everything else is gone.

11) One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk
       about other people.

12) My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

13) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

14) The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

15) How can there be self-help "groups"?

16) If swimming is so good for your figure, how
      do you explain whales?
------------------------------------------------------------------


Subject: Fwd: Hot/Cold Sex


Hot/Cold Sex as viewed by Grandpa and Grandma...

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health.
 Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then,
 after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine.
 Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: '
Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly
after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January,
a nd the second time is in August.'


THIS OUGHT BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE BUT IF NOT,
YOU'D BETTER CHECK YOUR PULSE

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 The Original Computer!!!!
This made me laugh out loud...
(So True!)




Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
--------------------------------------------------------------


Subject: Fw: Maxine: COOKING TIPS

 Cooking Tips:

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream
cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it, anyway!


To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the
for up to a year.


When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! they'll even decorate it for you!


If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it,
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'


Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
 and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!


Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
 to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
 brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.


Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
All your pains go away!


Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!


Lastly, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Subject: Dishes clean???


Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

    John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

  However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

  'Are these plates clean?'

  His grandfather replied,

  'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


  For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

  'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

  Without looking up the old man said,

  'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

  Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
 

  John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



  Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

  'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'



  Meet Coldwater  ( A big sloppy dog!!)



  Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's
 breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson
outside and kicked the crap out of him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Greg, the three year old, put his shoes on by himself. His father, Barry, noticed that the left shoe
was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg down on a chair and said quietly, 'Greg, your
shoes are on the wrong feet.'

He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, 'Don't mess me about, Dad,
I know they're my feet..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No comments: