WHY DO WOMEN LIVE LONGER ?

Why Do Women Live Longer?


Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims 
particularly in Afghanistan.  Back in the 1990s long before the 
current Afghan hostility she spotted that women walk about
 four paces behind their husbands. 


When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret
 that women still walk behind their husbands.  She pondered 
why, despite the establishment of women's rights, wives still 
pace behind their husbands.


Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the 
Afghani women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old
custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'


The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without 
hesitation said, "Land mines."


She filed her report back to America with the leader:


Behind every Afghan man, there's a smart woman!
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Don't Mess With the Elderly


Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, 
answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by 
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a 
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the 
very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'


'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any
 money,' and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door 
and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded.
 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with 
that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway 
carpet.


'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
 horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat 
the remainder.'


Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you 
a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this
 morning.'
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Mildred


Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly 
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She 
decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. 
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she 
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot 
herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable 
and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to 
inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a 
woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below 
your left breast."


Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a 
gunshot wound to her knee.
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Men are like ...


Men are like ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, 
                           but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores. 
                           Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and 
                           are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of 
                           emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little 
                           while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and 
                            the rest are handicapped.
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Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
 the potatoes.


The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry 
for up to a year.
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Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
 the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on 
the outside of the cake.


The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
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Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop 
in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt in an instant.


The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. 
Please recite with me The Real Women's motto: I made it and 
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!
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Marriage


A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to 
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain 
killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just 
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."


The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a 
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman
 turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. 
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother 
of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. 
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find 
out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of 
his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts 
back ... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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Life Explained


On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go 
to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
 have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you 
a life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live 
for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the 
other forty."


And God agreed.


On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day 
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or 
walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years 
and I'll give back the other ten."


So God agreed (sigh).


On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain
 people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 
twenty year life span."


Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
 I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, 
so that's what I'll do too, okay?"


And God agreed again.


On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, 
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."


Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you 
what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the 
ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes 
eighty, okay?"


"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."


So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, 
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the 
sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey 
tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years 
we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
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Kindergarten Teacher


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her 
kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and 
she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots 
still didn't want to go on. By the time she got the second boot 
on, she had worked up a sweat.


She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, 
they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough,
 they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was 
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked 
together to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.


He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue
 rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you 
say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help 
him pull the ill-fitting boots off.


He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
 wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She 
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.


She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 
them in the toes of my boots ..."


Ever have one of those days
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Kids and Church


3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold 
is His name. Amen."


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me 
a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."


A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. 
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if 
anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, 
stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the 
neighbor's wife."


After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason 
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father 
asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian 
home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the 
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would 
repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided 
to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated 
each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into 
temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."


One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash 
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on 
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet 
in church? One bright little girl replied, 
"Because people are sleeping."


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were 
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out 
loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not 
supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to 
stop me?" Joel asked. "See those men standing by the door? 
They're hushers."


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, 
and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get 
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a 
moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let 
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned 
to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year
-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the 
shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what 
happened to him?" the on asked. "He died and went to Heaven,
" the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 
"Did God throw him back down?"


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to 
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
 blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just 
say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The 
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did 
I invite all these people to dinner?"
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