Humor #8

Well,good friends,here we are again trying to knock out another
blog. I came across this list of home taught lessons that was
pretty popular back in my youth.My dear late mother taught me
a few of them.They worked ! Maybe they will bring back some
memories for you!
I threw #25 at my kids continuously while they were growing up.


25  REASONS  I  OWE  MY  MOTHER

1.  My mother taught me: TO  APPRECIATE  A  JOB  WELL  DONE .
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished  cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me: RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me: TIME  TRAVEL .
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of  next week!"

4.  My mother taught me:  LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me: MORE  LOGIC .
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me: IRONY.
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA .
      "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

1 1.  My mother taught me: WEATHER .
       "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.  My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
      "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.  My mother taught me: THE  CIRCLE  OF  LIFE.
      "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION .
      "Stop acting like your father!"

15.  My mother taught me: ENVY.
      "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
       don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
      "Just wait until we get home."

17.  My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
      "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.  My mother taught me: MEDICAL  SCIENCE.
      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.  My mother taught me: ESP.
      "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
      "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.  My mother taught me: HOW  TO  BECOME  AN  ADULT .
      "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.  My mother taught me: GENETICS.
      "I swear to God you're just like your father."

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
      "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?"

24.  My mother taught me: WISDOM .
      "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.  And my favorite: My  MOTHER  TAUGHT  ME  ABOUT  JUSTICE .
      "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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A poem for you

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
 Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

There was a time, not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About "living in the past".

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze,
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damn old !

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Subject: Facts you could not go on living without knowing!!


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)
 

 If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)
 

 The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
 to squirt blood 30 feet.

 (O.M.G.!)


 A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

 (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death . (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


 
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
 
 (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
 to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
 
 

 The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
 jumping the length of a football field.



(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



 The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
 
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
 
 

  Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



 The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm ...)
 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

 (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
 



A cat's urine glows under a black light.
 
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
 


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that . )



 Starfish have no brains

 (I know some people like that too.)
 
 
 
Polar bears are left-handed.
   
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
 


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure .
 
(What about that pig??)



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring
a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.



In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that pig!)

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