Humor #9

A Thought for the Day [Kindly sent in by John Morris]

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day 

and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man 

looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table 

was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. 

They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and 

each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the 

handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons backinto their mouths. 

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's 

mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here

 the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'

'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed

 each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

• If you can start the day without caffeine.
• If you can get going without pep pills.
• If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
• If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
• If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
• If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when 
• through no fault of yours  something goes wrong.
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
• If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him.
• If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
• If you can conquer tension without medical help.
• If you can relax without liquor.
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
• .....Then you are probably the family dog!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Researching 'Thought of the day', Will and Guy Found These Odd Examples of Sayings Which May Make You Smile

• If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
• Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
• The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Snippets - Humorous Thought for the Day

• If the cops arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• Hermits have no peer group pressure.
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why in a country of free speech, why are there 'phone bills?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Serious Thoughts of the Day

 ♪

1. People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.
2. A well-spent day brings happy sleep. - Leonardo da Vinci
3. All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives. -Dalai Lama
4. Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. - Arthur Wing Pinero
5. One camel does not make fun of another camel's hump. -Ghanaian Proverb
6. Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. - George Bernard Shaw
7. Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.

Loving Thoughts of the Day

• Beauty is truth, and truth is beauty - John Keats
• A thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness. - John Keats
• Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. - Henry David Thoreau
• Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you. -Madame de Tencin
• See more 'Loving Thoughts of the Day'.

More Funny Thoughts of the Day

• Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
• 'How old are you?' I'm four and a half!' you're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
• You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
• 'How old are you?' I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ... You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ... YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
• But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.
• You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

 ♪

• And your dreams are gone.
• But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.
• So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
• You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.
• You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
• Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.' I'm 100 and a half!'
• May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
• AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
• Life is not measured by the number of 
• breaths we take, but by the moments that 
• take our breath away.
• --------------------------------------------------------

• 10 More Short Witty Quotes\

  Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

  1. Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain.
  2. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome
  3. It takes a long time to grow an old friend. - John Leonard
  4. There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. - Benjamin Franklin
  5. I think; therefore I am. - Rene Descartes
  6. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. - Ellen DeGeneres
  7. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire
  8. A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.' - Henny Youngman
  9. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine". - Tommy Cooper.