Jokes and Hoax

Intriguing Signs

1) Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

2)  Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

3) Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

4) Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
 FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

5) Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
HOW TO GET LESSONS

6) Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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One of the Best Victorian Hoaxes - Washing the White Lions

In the middle ages lions really were kept in the Tower of London.
 However, by Victoria's reign in 1837 all the lions had been moved
 to safer accommodation in Regents park.  In 1860 April Fool's
day would fall on a Sunday, this gave some prankster a brilliant
 idea; to invite all and sundry to the Tower of London to see the
annual washing of the white lions.

The invitation said: Admit the bearer and friend to view the annual
ceremony of 'Washing the white lions' on Sunday, April 1st, 1860.
What happened on that fine April day was that thousands of
people turned up, milled around, until one-by-one, it dawned on
them that they had been hoaxed.

Will and Guy wish that we could trace the name of the person who
 invented this 'Washing the White Lions' hoax.  We can only
speculate that he was a member of the aristocracy.  Our reasoning
 is that he had time on his hands, and also the means to pay for and
to distribute the invitations (no desktop publishing in 1860!).

The hoaxer also introduced a few nice touches, for example, the
Tower of London has a 'White gate' thus linking to 'white lions' in the
minds of locals.  Also, lions had been kept in the Tower within living
memory.  Perhaps it was reading reports in The Times that white lions
were sighted in various parts of the British Empire, which sparked
off this idea for an April Fool's hoax.  Another fortuitous factor
was that in 1860 the 1st of April fell on a Sunday, thus the perpetrator
 knew that people would be free to attend the 'Washing of the
White Lions'.  Finally, the idea of washing white lions in April
sounds like the right thing to do after the dirty mud of March.

We wonder how many imitations of 'Washing the white lions' there
have been down the years. For example, 'Wash the white elephants',
or 'Bathe the brown bears'.  Watch out, because our gut feeling is
that another April first joke along these lines is overdue.
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One of the Best Victorian Hoaxes - Washing the White Lions

In the middle ages lions really were kept in the Tower of London.
 However, by Victoria's reign in 1837 all the lions had been moved
 to safer accommodation in Regents park.  In 1860 April Fool's
day would fall on a Sunday, this gave some prankster a brilliant
 idea; to invite all and sundry to the Tower of London to see the
annual washing of the white lions.

The invitation said: Admit the bearer and friend to view the annual
ceremony of 'Washing the white lions' on Sunday, April 1st, 1860.
What happened on that fine April day was that thousands of
people turned up, milled around, until one-by-one, it dawned on
them that they had been hoaxed.

Will and Guy wish that we could trace the name of the person who
 invented this 'Washing the White Lions' hoax.  We can only
speculate that he was a member of the aristocracy.  Our reasoning
 is that he had time on his hands, and also the means to pay for and
to distribute the invitations (no desktop publishing in 1860!).

The hoaxer also introduced a few nice touches, for example, the
Tower of London has a 'White gate' thus linking to 'white lions' in the
minds of locals.  Also, lions had been kept in the Tower within living
memory.  Perhaps it was reading reports in The Times that white lions
were sighted in various parts of the British Empire, which sparked
off this idea for an April Fool's hoax.  Another fortuitous factor
was that in 1860 the 1st of April fell on a Sunday, thus the perpetrator
 knew that people would be free to attend the 'Washing of the
White Lions'.  Finally, the idea of washing white lions in April
sounds like the right thing to do after the dirty mud of March.

We wonder how many imitations of 'Washing the white lions' there
have been down the years. For example, 'Wash the white elephants',
or 'Bathe the brown bears'.  Watch out, because our gut feeling is
that another April first joke along these lines is overdue.
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Subject: Fw: . The Window through which we look

 NICE STORY!!!!

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband :

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

This is a good one!!!

IN GOD I TRUST
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Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit?

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

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Noah and the Ark

If Noah had lived in the United States last year, his story may have gone something like this:

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain; and the rain shall not stop until it submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and fill it in one year's time."

Exactly a year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth; and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah!" he shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.

"Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe that I got a notice from.

"Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying the state. And that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

"And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore, unconstitutional.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah remained silent. Moments later, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up, shaking his head in dismay.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that woman should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals

.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out okay.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no woman there, is he still wrong?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why does a 24-hour-open store have locks on the doors?

If aliens are a more intelligent race, how come they abduct the stupidest people?

Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change!

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