Best answers to a grade school quesionaire
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all
way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids..
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even
boys have something to say if you listen long enough...
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested
enough to go for a second date.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.The law says you have to be eighteen, so
I wouldn't want to mess with that.
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with
them... It's the right thing to do.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
And the #1 Favorite is ...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
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From a senior citizen around 80 yrs. of age.
We aren't useless yet.
The Fix
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg, Fl. Times.
The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would
You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will ]
squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses
,use the following plan....You can call it the
"Patriotic Retirement Plan":
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay
them $1 million apiece severance
for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars
ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress
pay their taxes..
Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on
Social Security and Medicare.
I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
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--
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately
.. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.
You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it.Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying
a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many
as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never
going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get
to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around
the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
!
This was just too cute not to pass on.
Grandma &Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. A pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow".
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately
.. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.
You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it.Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying
a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many
as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never
going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get
to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around
the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
!
This was just too cute not to pass on.
Grandma &Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. A pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave
in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow".
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma".
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