Very Amusing Jokes

A Cat's Diary



My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal.  The only thing
 that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded.  Maybe I should try this at the top
of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to
vomit on their favorite chair.  I must try this
on their bed.


 »

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body in an attempt to make them
aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts.  They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little
kitty cat I was.  This is not working according
to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices.  I was placed in solitary
confinement throughout the event.  However,
 I could hear the noise and smell the food.
 More important, I overheard that my confinement
was due to my powers of inducing something
called ' allergies.'  Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
and maybe snitches.  The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return.
 He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
 informant. He speaks with them regularly,
and I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal
room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.
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Tall Tale from Vienna Graveyard

Chris Cross, a tourist in Vienna, is going pass
Vienna's Zentralfriedhof graveyard on
October 31st.
All of a sudden he hears some music.  No one
is around, so he starts searching for the source.
Chris finally locates the origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
 Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he
realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and
 it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves
the graveyard and persuades Tim Burr, a friend,
to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the
music has changed. This time it is the Seventh
Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is
being played backward. Curious, the men
agree to
consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the
reverse order
 in which they were composed, the 9th, then
 the 7th, then the 5th.  By the next day the word
has spread and a throng has gathered around
the grave. They are all listening to the Second
Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up t
o the group. Someone in the crowd asks him
if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about"
says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
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Father O'Flaherty and the Law

Father O'Flaherty rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
 He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Bush. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Flaherty at St. Brigit's. There's a jackass
 lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care
of the matter?'

Sergeant G. Bush, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father,
it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites.'

Father O'Flaherty replied, 'Aye, tis certainly true, .....but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin.'





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Father O'Flaherty and the Law
New York Prices

Three building contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from
 New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the security guard asked them what they did for a living. When they
all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, 'Hey, we need one of the rear fences
redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some
measuring and said, 'Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew, and $100 profit for me.'

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick
 figuring and said, 'Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew,
 and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, '$2,700.'

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys!
 How did you come up with such a high figure?'

'Easy,' he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.'
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Father O'Flaherty rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
 He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Bush. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Flaherty at St. Brigit's. There's a jackass
lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care
of the matter?'

Sergeant G. Bush, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father,
it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites.'

Father O'Flaherty replied, 'Aye, tis certainly true, .....but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin.'
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: WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.  Mostly to clean the house.
3..  To help us out of there when we were getting born..
How did God make mothers?
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and
one dab of mean.
2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.  We're related..
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.  They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.  His last name.
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.
2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to
ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.  Mothers don't do spare time..
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue..
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING  --  Go Ahead & SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS,
GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS.....and anyone else who has anything to do with kids
or just needs a good laugh!!!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
 ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die
you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

***
Paddy was in  New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop
stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’   Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
 ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

***
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column
 that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney.   ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

***
An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
 The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on
 the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

***
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another
fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch!   What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

***
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
 He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen
staring at him from across the room.
Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be
your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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