How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question?
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Email Subject: A gardening story
A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date, wearing a see-through blouse but no bra.
Her grandmother saw and pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager told her, "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You've gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager came downstairs, and the grandmotherwas sitting there with no top on.
The teenage granddaughter freaked. She shrieked to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother said, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening!!
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Emails Subject: A Women's Study
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear, while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
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Emails Subject: It's BEAUTIFUL WOMAN MONTH & TAG YOU'RE IT!
Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month? Well, it is and that means you and me !!! I'm supposed to send this to FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, and you are one of them !!!
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
If you share this with another woman, something good will happen . . . you will boost another woman's self esteem, and she will know that you care about her.
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Emails Subject: A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray For wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
Patience for his moods
Because Lord if I pray for Strength
I'll beat him to death.
I pray For wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
Patience for his moods
Because Lord if I pray for Strength
I'll beat him to death.
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Amen.
Amen.
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Emails Subject: Sunday Sermon
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he argued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. "
"How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have any enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the witches."
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. "
"How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have any enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the witches."
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Emails Subject: A birthday wish.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear-everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "I meant my dress size."
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Emails Subject: The Dutiful Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life and who had saved all of his money & was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than JUST about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket withhim.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife wassitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to putall that money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check (cheque)".
Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman.
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Emails That Touch The Heart
Emails Subject: EncouragementTwo men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Let's encourage each other today!!!
Epilogue:
"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations"
"Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled"
"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy"
"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
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Emails - Blonde Jokes
Email Subject: Blonde JokesAUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?
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SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
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THE DIET
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
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THE INTERVIEW
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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I'M PREGNANT!
The other day my neighbor, who is blond, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."I"m pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, ". We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.... "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack.
"Both tests came out positive!"
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