1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive
experience.'
2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations
and spreasheet progroms.'
3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'
4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions.'
5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'
6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'
7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'
8. 'Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my
experience.'
9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'
10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget
details.'
11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided
to move.'
12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No commitments.'
13. 'I have an excellent track record, although
I am not a horse.'
14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel
free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'
15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting
completely no one and absolutely nothing. '
16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I
possess no training in meteorology, I suppose
I should try stock brokerage.'
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Know your Apples - Out of the Mouth of Babes
Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the
cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.'
God Knows?
A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what
God looks like.'
Sarah replied, 'They will in a minute'
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Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria
Question: What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
Answer: He is a noted figure in history because he
invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.
Question: Explain the phrase "Free press".
Answer: When your mother irons trousers for you.
Question: Where was Hadrian's Wall built?
Answer: Around Hadrian's garden
Question: What is a vibration?
Answer: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations.
Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.
Question: Give a reason why people would want to
live near a power lines?
Answer: To get electricity faster.
[That said, can you think of one good reason?!]
Question: What is the meaning of "Varicose"
Answer: Nearby
Question: Name one of the Roman's greatest
achievements.
Answer: To learn Latin.
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Out of the Mouths of School Children.
Kindly sent in by Arthur Burley
It's mid-September and school has been back for a while.
The children and their teachers are getting to know one
another; here are some of their exchanges.
Maths Lesson
The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are
2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon
Network!'
Two Sunday School Funnies
1) Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the
playground, Miss Barker, their teacher, stopped to gently
reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Tony,
when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it
would freeze and I would stay like that.'
Tony looked up, smiled and replied, 'Well, Miss Barker,
you can't say you weren't warned.'
2) Miss Barker continued with the lesson and challenged
her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write
a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the
following Sunday.
Tony wrote, 'Dear God, We had a good time at church today.
Wish you could have been there.'
Touché
Will, when he taught French in Paulsgrove in England,
used to write little notes on pupil's translations.
He was working late one night, and as the hours passed,
his handwriting deteriorated.
The next day a pupil approached Will at his desk with
the translation he had corrected. 'I can't make out this
comment you wrote on my paper, Sir.' said the pupil.
Will took her paper, and after squinting at it for a minute,
sheepishly replied, 'It says that you need to write more legibly.'
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Teacher's Magnetism
Mrs Mollard had been giving her second-grade
students a lesson in science.
She had explained about magnets and showed how
they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now
it was question time, and Mrs Mollard asked, 'My name
begins with the letter "M" and I pick up things. What am I?'
Tim, a little boy in the front row proudly said,
'You're a mother!'
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A Question of Physics
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly
complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student
interrupted him.
'Why do we have to learn this stuff?' one young man
blurted out.
'To save lives,' the professor responded before continuing
the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
'So how does physics save lives?'
The professor stared at the student for a long time without
saying a word. Finally the professor concluded, 'Physics
saves lives,' he said, 'because it keeps the idiots out of
medical school.
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Mathematics
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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What Happened to Jonah?
Jane was talking to Mrs Darby, her teacher, about
whales. Mrs Darby said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
Jane girl stated quite clearly that the Bible says Jonah
was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, Mrs Darby reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
Finally, Jane murmured, 'When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah, myself.'
Mrs Darby continued, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
Very smartly Jane replied, 'Then you can ask him.'
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Frog in His Throat?
Miss Hewitt, was one of the teachers at Northern Infants,
Normanton, [kindergarten] when Philip came up to her
and say that he had found a frog. Miss Hewitt asked if
the frog was alive or dead. Philip, aged 6, declared that
it was dead.
Miss Hewitt enquired as to how he could be so sure that
it was dead.
Philip replied, 'I pissed in its ear.'
Flabbergasted, Miss Hewitt demanded, 'You what,
Philip Brown?'
Philip added, 'You know, I went to his ear and said,
'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead.'
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Dylan at the Supermarket
Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he
notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him
has just raised her hand and is giving him a big
'hello' .
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would
be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely
familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her
from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'
She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children'
Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time
he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we
meet on Frank's stag do in Newport? Dylan
continued, 'When I got out of the police station and
got back to the hotel room you had gone.'
No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.
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Stand up and be Counted
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher
said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there
all by yourself!'
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Most Wanted
Little Ronnie's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very
badly to capture him.'
Little Ronnie asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when
you took his picture.
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Caught with an Axe in His Hand
Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George
Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Iris, do you
know why his father didn't punish him?'
Iris replied, 'Because George still had the axe in
his hand?'
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Slap-it-on
One day before school, Little Susie watched, fascinated,
as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' she asked. 'To make
myself beautiful,' said her mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Susie. 'Are you
giving up?'
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Moira was struggling to get the tomato ketchup out of
the bottle. As she was trying the phone rang and her
4 year old daughter, Louise, answered it saying,
'Sorry, mummy can't come to the phone at the moment
because she's hitting the bottle.'
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