Visiting Doctor Ross last month, Paula, a long retired
schoolteacher, explained in some detail her problems while he
listened very patiently.
'Now, Paula,' said Doctor Ross, 'you say you have shooting pains
in your neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant
nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?'
'Ah, yes,' Paula spoke brightly, 'I'll be 49 on my next birthday.'
'Really?' commented the doctor quietly,
'I see you have slight memory loss, too.'
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Senior Moment
In a real life case Ghazanfar Shah writes:
Amusing Yarns About Those Pensioned Off
Lost in His Own Back Yard?
One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and
Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly
gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.
'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30
years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'
Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he
whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'
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Mechanic vs Doctor Story
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a
Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous
heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for
the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves
out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just
like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get
the really big money, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered
in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
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Five of the Best Short Politician Jokes
Only in Britain......do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well.
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures"
.
During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.
Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular.
Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be
untrue.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Nobody can fix the economy.
Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.
Nobody's perfect.
Vote for Nobody
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Will and Guy's Helpful Guide to Female Golfing Terms
Caddy: 2 women talking about a 3rd,
who isn't there to defend herself.
Chip: Time to get our nails done again.
Double Bogie: 'Casablanca' followed by 'African Queen'.
Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Good lie: Weight on our driver's license.
Greens: Lunch we eat when you'd really prefer a
cheeseburger.
Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much
anything.
Slice: No thanks ... just a small portion.
Par: The children's grandfather.
Birdie: Another attractive female golfer.
Wood: Where you can find a ball.
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Funny Human Resources Story
A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new head of human resources. The new boss was
determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the HR supremo noticed a guy
leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and
he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He
asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $500 a week. Why?"
The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes,
and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around
the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
slacker did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Now I don't know if this story is true or not, but knowing that
Whales are a large, warmblooded sea mammal that breaths air,
I would tend to believe the story. ( I do love this story! ).
The Whale - A Beautiful and Thought-Provoking Tale
Will and Guy have been sent this report by two of their regular
contributors to the site - Maggie Nutt and John Reeves.
We are grateful for their additions.
A female humpback whale had become entangled in a spider
web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by
hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to
stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope
wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso,
a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Faralon Islands
[off the coast of San Francisco, California, USA]
and radioed for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived
and determined that she was so badly off, the only way to save
her was to dive in and untangle her. A very dangerous proposition
as one slap of the tail could kill a prospective rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like
joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver,
one at a time, nudged them, and pushed gently, thanking them.
Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience
of their lives.
The man who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was
following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you and all those you love, be so fortunate as to be
surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from
the things that are binding you and may you always know the
joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
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Old Flame?
Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by
a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a
man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling
about the decline in moral standards.
'All these people sleeping together before they're married,'
Martin muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before
we were married. Did you?'
'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully.
'What was her maiden name?'
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Written by a 90 year old.
This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!
Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,
Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life
taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August,
so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.
Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.
You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life,
I don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything
you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
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