The Parrot & Magician
(12/21/03)
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!", "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one day in a terrific storm the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea, with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and then another, and then another. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, OK, I give up! Where's the ship?"
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"Seniors" - Ya Gotta Lov-um:
(1/6/04)
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
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Can You Hear Me Now?
(6/5/03)
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Still he doesn't hear anything.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
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A Smart Purchase
(3/9/04)
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year
ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year . . .
that "in one year the windows would pay for themselves."
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
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Computer Gender
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns (unlike their English counterparts) are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
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One Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Moreover, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a worldly thing. Take a little more time. Try to think of another wish -- one that might not be so materialistic or dramatic and that you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
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The Lawyer versus the Farmer
Protected by Moses and Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Raaa . . just a bird named Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Raaa . . answered the bird, the same people that named their Rottweiler Jesus."
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Looking For Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you here to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Ccccccccccertainly."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, did you find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Nnnnnnno, I, I diiiiiiidn't find him."
The preacher, bothered by the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He then pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, IIIIIIII haven't ffffffffound Jesus."
Now the preacher is frustrated and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins thrashing his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Aaaaaare, are you sssssssure this is where he fffffffell in?"
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