Amusing Stories #4

Benefits of Good Health

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, their guide took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," the guide replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" The reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" The guide replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Their guide lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. The guide and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted green vegetables and bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!
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Ducks in Heaven?

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven . . . don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on . . ..a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.!!
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Errant Email .... From Beyond?

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at this hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an e-mail. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address and sent the e-mail off without realizing his error. In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first e-mail, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following e-mail message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. PS: Sure is hot down here !
====Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #133

** Golf Jokes **

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope

* Mr Angry - Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said," You must be the worst caddy in the world."

"That would be too much of a coincidence, sir," answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

* Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down."
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* Golf - Below Par?

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes,” Robert answered
"Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" Robert questioned.

"Well," said the policeman gravely, "Your ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?"

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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Subject: Tazer .............. Warning...how bright was this?


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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