Amusing Stories #6

Nervous Habit

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"
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Today's Joke About Health

Saturday, August 27, 2011
How's Business?

Here are some likely responses to the above question by
various tradesmen.

Said the sailor: Knot bad.

Said the coffee salesman: It's a grind.

Said the drummer: It's hard to beat.

Said the astronomer: Things are looking up.

Said the dressmaker: Just sew-sew.

Said the street cleaner: Things are picking up.

Said the pianist: Right on key.

Said the botanist: Everything's coming up roses.

Said the floor polisher: Going smoothly.

Said the deep-sea diver: I'm about to go under.
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Voice Changes

A man was driving his four year old son home from day care one day, when seemingly out of the blue, he asked "Daddy, is my voice going to change one day?

"Yes, it is" was the reply.

"Why?" he immediately wanted to know.

While the father was pondering exactly how much he needed to explain at his tender age, the little boy very excitedly exclaimed:

"Well, when my voice changes, I’m going to speak Spanish!"
=================================================================           Joke About The Military

Saturday, August 27, 2011
Why People Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are "actual" stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." Her response... ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!"
==================================================================  Wedding Registry Changes

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
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Today's Government Joke

Sunday, August 28, 2011
Great Discovery

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that’s impossible... We could never do it... Yes, sir, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "The President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... ...he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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Bottom of the Barrel

A C-141 transport aircraft was preparing for departure from a base in Thule, Greenland. They had been waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

The Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised to pursue punitive action.

The Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"
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Naming Issues

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what’s the girl’s name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that’s not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
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Then she asks the doctor, "What’s the boy’s name?"

The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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Parental Relationships

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re thinking of getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I’ll handle this!"

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don’t do ANYTHING until me and my Brother get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
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