Light Humor

South Carolina Declares War!


 Pres. Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.


 "Hello? President Obama ?" a deep southern voice said,


"This here's Archie down at Joe 's Catfish Shack in Charleston ,
 SC , and I am callin' to tell all y'all up there in Washington that
 we are officially declaring war on you folks."


 "Well, Archie," Barack replied, "this is, indeed, some very 
interesting news.  How big is your army?"


"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there's me, 
my cousin Harold and my next door neighbor Randy plus the whole 
dart team here in Hooters. That makes 8 of us!"


Barack paused.


"I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army 
and they are waiting to move on my command."



"Wow," said Archie, "I'll have to call you back."


 A few minutes later, Archie called again.


" Mr. Obama , this war is still on.  We managed to acquire some 
infantry equipment!"


 "And what equipment would that be, Archie?" Barack asked.


"Well, we got us a couple a combines, a bulldozer and Harry 's 
tractor." 


Obama grinned and sighed...  "I must tell you guys, Archie, that I
 have 16,000 tanks and 140,000 armored personnel carriers and 
I've increased my army to one and a half million since we spoke a
 few minutes ago."


 "Lawdy mercy!" said Archie, "Lemme get back to ya."


A few minutes later, Archie called back.


" Mr. Obama , I'm sorry to say it, but we have had to call off this
 here war we been talkin' 'bout."


 "Well, Archie, I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack.


"Why the sudden change of heart, if I may I ask?"


"Well, I tell you, prez, it's like this," said Archie.  "We've sat 
ourselves down and had a chat over our sweet tea and we jus' 
come to realize that there  ain't no way in hell we can afford to 
feed two million prisoners!"
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #101


* Out of the Mouths of Babes


Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence. 
 The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.


* Funny comments made by children.


Cream loses its magic


Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold 
cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began 
removing the cream with a tissue.


"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?"


* Charity Begins at Church


After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: 
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."


"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"


"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers 
we've ever had."


* The Chase


Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had 
kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother
.
 "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
 "but three girls helped me catch him." 


* Fig Leaves


Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, 
and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, 
something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at 
it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
 between the pages.


"Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!" Bobby called out. "What have
 you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written
 all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


* Home Alone


Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next 
door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, 
"No, I'm the lonely child."


* Road Hog


One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked 
my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"


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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #108


* Funnies from the Small Ads Column


Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. 
Automatically burns toast.


Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. 


A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served 
by waitresses in appetizing forms. 


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 


Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. 


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.


Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. 


Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. 
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 


Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 


For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. 


Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. 


For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. 


Great Dames for sale. 


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 


For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 


Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. 


If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. 
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. 


Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. 
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. 


Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
 but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. 
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #113


** Doctor I Need Help – A Funny Phobia Story 


'Doctor O'Hara,' Ranjit pleaded, 'I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed,
 I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody
 on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy.' 


'Just put yourself in my hands for two years,' said Dr O'Hara, the psychiatrist,
 'Come and see me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.' 


'How much do you charge?' 


'A hundred dollars per visit.'


'In that case, I'll sleep on it,' answered Ranjit. 
Six months later the doctor met Ranjit in the street. 
'Why didn't you ever come to see me again?' asked the psychiatrist. 


'For a hundred buck's a visit? 
 A bartender cured me for ten dollars,' smiled Ranjit 


'Is that so! How?' 


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed.' 
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #110


Four Snippets


1) Logical Thinking


A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking. 
"This is the scene," said the teacher. 
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, 
falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. 


His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
 Why do you think she ran to the bank?" 
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?" 
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #119


* Farm Sign


The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free, 
But The Bull Charges.


Three more 'Farmer Jokes'
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* Rancher John


Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage 
and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers 
and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.


'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years.
 I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 
18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
 half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work
 around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and
 I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'


'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.


'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.
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* Farmer's Names


George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started
 calling his kids after something around his farm. 


It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When 
he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.' 


The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, 'It's Wagon 
Wheel, sir....Really.' 


The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down 
to the Principal's office this minute.' 


The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 
'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'
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* Never Felt Better - Classic Farmer Story


In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported
 to have taken place: 


Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the Garda officer
 that you had never felt better in your life?'


O'Brien the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'


Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were 
seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'


O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a 
broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, 
and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances,
 it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'
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