South Carolina Declares War!
Pres. Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello? President Obama ?" a deep southern voice said,
"This here's Archie down at Joe 's Catfish Shack in Charleston ,
SC , and I am callin' to tell all y'all up there in Washington that
we are officially declaring war on you folks."
"Well, Archie," Barack replied, "this is, indeed, some very
interesting news. How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there's me,
my cousin Harold and my next door neighbor Randy plus the whole
dart team here in Hooters. That makes 8 of us!"
Barack paused.
"I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army
and they are waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie, "I'll have to call you back."
A few minutes later, Archie called again.
" Mr. Obama , this war is still on. We managed to acquire some
infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well, we got us a couple a combines, a bulldozer and Harry 's
tractor."
Obama grinned and sighed... "I must tell you guys, Archie, that I
have 16,000 tanks and 140,000 armored personnel carriers and
I've increased my army to one and a half million since we spoke a
few minutes ago."
"Lawdy mercy!" said Archie, "Lemme get back to ya."
A few minutes later, Archie called back.
" Mr. Obama , I'm sorry to say it, but we have had to call off this
here war we been talkin' 'bout."
"Well, Archie, I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack.
"Why the sudden change of heart, if I may I ask?"
"Well, I tell you, prez, it's like this," said Archie. "We've sat
ourselves down and had a chat over our sweet tea and we jus'
come to realize that there ain't no way in hell we can afford to
feed two million prisoners!"
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #101
* Out of the Mouths of Babes
Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence.
The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.
* Funny comments made by children.
Cream loses its magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?"
* Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher:
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers
we've ever had."
********************************************************8
* The Chase
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had
kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother
.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
"but three girls helped me catch him."
**********************************************************
* Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at
it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between the pages.
"Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!" Bobby called out. "What have
you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written
all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
************************************************************
* Home Alone
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next
door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied,
"No, I'm the lonely child."
************************************************************
* Road Hog
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked
my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"
*****************************************************8**
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #108
* Funnies from the Small Ads Column
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served
by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #113
** Doctor I Need Help – A Funny Phobia Story
'Doctor O'Hara,' Ranjit pleaded, 'I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed,
I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody
on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for two years,' said Dr O'Hara, the psychiatrist,
'Come and see me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'A hundred dollars per visit.'
'In that case, I'll sleep on it,' answered Ranjit.
Six months later the doctor met Ranjit in the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me again?' asked the psychiatrist.
'For a hundred buck's a visit?
A bartender cured me for ten dollars,' smiled Ranjit
'Is that so! How?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed.'
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #110
Four Snippets
1) Logical Thinking
A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.
"This is the scene," said the teacher.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance,
falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
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She Came Second in a One-horse Race
Jennifer Brown, aged 62, a grandmother was thrilled to win second prize in
a baking contest until she found that her cake was the only entry. She was
awarded second place for her Victoria Sponge in the competition, reports
the Mirror. She was intrigued to find out which cake had beaten her to the
top spot and it was then that she discovered the truth.
Organisers had spotted her sponge had rack marks from where it had been
in the oven and decided it wasn't up to the standards demanded for first
place. But grandmother-of-four Jennifer said she was not browned off and
chuckled, 'I must admit I have never heard of coming second in a one horse
race before. When a friend of mine told me I had come second I was quite
pleased, both for getting a prize and also because I just assumed they must
have had more entries. The cake hadn't been judged good enough to win the
contest, but it was soon polished off and there were certainly no complaints.'
Jennifer, who had entered the competition organised for her village carnival in
Wimblington, Cambridgeshire, UK, added, 'Although I have never heard of
anything like this before I certainly didn't take offence. I had a good laugh with
the organiser about it. It certainly won't put me off baking cakes.'
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.Strange But True Stories From Motorists
I was taking a friend home and keeping two yards from each lamp post which
were in a straight line. Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road bringing
the right-hand lamp post in line with the other and of course I landed in a ditch.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
Four Casualties Instead of One
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An old lady dialled 999 after falling over in her house at Iffley, Oxfordshire.
She didn't wake the other members of the family. As the ambulance men were
carrying her out of the front door on a stretcher, her son roused from his
slumbers by the noise staggered onto the landing, panicked at the sight of
strange men in his home, and tripped all the way downstairs,
knocking himself out.
His wife came rushing out of the bedroom to see what was wrong. Observing
her husband lying on the hall floor, she promptly fainted and fell downstairs
herself. The paramedics now had three casualties to take to A&E instead of one.
************************************************************************
Man Left Wife at Petrol Station:
A Macedonian drove six hours across Italy and into Germany before noticing
he had left his wife at a petrol station.
Ljubomir Ivanov , 35, only realised he had forgotten wife Iskra, 37, when he got
a call on his mobile from police to say she was still waiting for him at the petrol
station near Pesaro, in central Italy.
He said, 'I filled up the tank with petrol, paid and then just drove off. I was very
tired and not thinking straight.
'She usually sits in the back seat so I didn't really see she wasn't there, until
I got a call when I was already in Germany.'
Mr Ivanov immediately drove back to Pesaro to pick up his wife so they could
resume their holiday.
'I had a lot of apologising to do, 'he said.
The tally rapidly became four when the family dog rampaged furiously into the
hall, and inflicted an indignant bite on the bottom of one of the ambulance
men. A spokesman for the Oxford Ambulance Service said, '
It was quite a night, actually.'
**************************************************************8***
Round Like a Shot
Round like a shot... Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed
stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area
to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up.
A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because
there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot
them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus
helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied:
'I thought you said there was no one available.'
Article by Tony Gladstone
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #115
Steven Wright's Sayings - Researched by Alan Turnham
There are at least two famous people called Steve Wright. Alan Turnham has
unearthed quotes by the American Comedian, (not the British Radio 2 Presenter)
To get the most from these one-liners, you have to imagine Steve's deadpan delivery.
Steve Wright American Comedian born 1955
* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is
prohibited there?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* Why is abbreviation such a long word?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced
by exact duplicates.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't
the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
* If most car accidents occur within five miles of home,
why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
* And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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