WE NEED A REASON TO SMILE !!!!.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #84

--- You know you're from Canada when .............

* You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

* You find -40C a little chilly.

* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

* You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.

* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires
3 pages for hockey.

* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.

* You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
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** Room Service - Tenjewberrymuds **

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a
 hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what
'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.]

Room Service (RmSv):  Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest:  Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.

RmSv:  Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest:  Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RmSv:  Ow July den?
Guest:  What??

RmSv:  Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest:  Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RmSv:  Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest:  Crisp will be fine.

RmSv:  Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest:  What?

RmSv:  An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest:  I don't think so.

RmSv:  No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest:  I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.

RmSv:  Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest:  English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine.

RmSv:  We bodder?
Guest:  No...just put the bodder on the side.

RmSv:  Wad?
Guest:  I mean butter... just put it on the side.

RmSv:  Copy?

Guest:  Excuse me?
RmSv:  Copy...tea...meel?

Guest:  Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.
RmSv:  One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
 sigh and copy...rye?

Guest:  Whatever you say.
RmSv:  Tenjewberrymuds.

Guest:  You're very welcome.
==============================================================
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #102

Perks of being over Sixty

* Over Sixties - One-liners

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
===========================================================
Obituary - Common Sense


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered
 as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain
Why the early bird gets the worm
Life isn't always fair
and maybe it was my fault
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health
 began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were
set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that
they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when
a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
 in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that
 a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly
 awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife,
 Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
================================================================

Obituaries - More Jokes and One-liners For the Over 60s

Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the
 obituary column.  He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, 'How much does it
 cost to place an obituary in the paper?'

$0.20 per word, sir, 'replies the newspaperman respectfully.'

'Ok', says Graham, 'are you ready?'

'Yes', came the answer.

'The obit. reads - ' Jones dead'.'

'No more?' asks the newsman in a very surprised voice.

'No, that's it, 'came the reply.

'I have to tell you, 'announced the advertiser, 'but there is a 5 word minimum.'

'Why didn't you tell me before?' complained Graham, 'in that case it will read:

'Jones dead.  Volkswagen for sale'
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #100

* Funny Newspaper Headlines

1. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

2. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

3. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

5. Eye Drops off Shelf

6. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

7. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

8. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

9. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

10.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

11.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

12.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

13.Deer Kill 17,000

14.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

15.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

16.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

17.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

18.Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

19.Worcester Residents Can Drop Off Trees

20.Include your Children When Baking Cookies
===========================================================


Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #108

* Funnies from the Small Ads Column

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses
 in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
 It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
 but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

======================================================

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #109

** Funny Cat Stories **

* Washer

Washer, the tomcat, was heard running up and down the alley for hours. Ian, his
 neighbour 'phoned Alan [the cat's owner] and asked what was happening. Alan
replied, "Well, I had Washer neutered today, and he's going around cancelling
 all his engagements."

* Homing Cat

Michael really hated his wife, Patricia's cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good.
 Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he
pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off.
But again, the cat found it's way home. Each day Michael kept going further
and further away, but the cat would always find it's way home.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away,
 he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right,
backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later, he 'phoned Patricia, 'Darling, is the cat there?'.

'Yes,' she answered. 'Why?' Michael replied bitterly, 'Put that flippin'
animal on the 'phone. I'm lost and need directions.'
=======================================================

Finally a joke that literally fits us to a T.





---

God, on Lawn Care

God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.
 The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and
 flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.
But, all I see are these green rectangles."

ST. FRANCIS:It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started
calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them
and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees;
 only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.
Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
 They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops
 up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does
 grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain
and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it,
so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke
 of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide
 beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and
form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
 bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and
pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
 keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
 which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge
of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
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