Will and Guy's Humour - Funny Story about a Mobile
Phone.
Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty,
some thing nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Betty is
excited, she loves her phone. Frank shows her and
explains to her all the different and varied features
Phone.
Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty,
some thing nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Betty is
excited, she loves her phone. Frank shows her and
explains to her all the different and varied features
on the phone.
On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local super
market. Her phone rings and it's her husband,
"Hi ya, Betty, "he says, "how do you like your new
phone?" Betty replies, "I just love it,it's so small and
light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one
feature that I really don't understand though."
market. Her phone rings and it's her husband,
"Hi ya, Betty, "he says, "how do you like your new
phone?" Betty replies, "I just love it,it's so small and
light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one
feature that I really don't understand though."
"What's that, Betty?" asks the husband.
"How did you know that I was at Tesco?"
=================================================================
* Funny Story About a Mobile Phone
Fred rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you,
women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work
this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left
and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70
mph with her face up next to her rear view
women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work
this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left
and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70
mph with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her mascara.
I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next
thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.
thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.
It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver
into my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone.'
into my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE"
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an
airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want
to talk? Flights seem shorter when you do!."The little
girl, who had just started to read her book,replied to
the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global
airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want
to talk? Flights seem shorter when you do!."The little
girl, who had just started to read her book,replied to
the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global
warming,universal health care, or stimulus packages?"
as he smiled smugly.
as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
round waste.Why do you suppose that is?"
all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
round waste.Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence,thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no
idea."To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss global warming, universal health
care, or the economy, when you don't know crap?"
intelligence,thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no
idea."To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss global warming, universal health
care, or the economy, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old
lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth
time.
lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth
time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a
little about her first three husbands and what they did
for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time
to reflect on all those years.
little about her first three husbands and what they did
for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time
to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she
answered proudly, explaining that she had first married
a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus
ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
answered proudly, explaining that she had first married
a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus
ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and
asked why she had married four men with such diverse
careers.
asked why she had married four men with such diverse
careers.
she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money,
two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's good but clean Irish Jokes
1) Look to The Moon
Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.
Paddy says to Seamus, "What a beautiful night, look at
the moon."Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, "You are
wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started
arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk
walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.
Paddy says to Seamus, "What a beautiful night, look at
the moon."Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, "You are
wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started
arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk
walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?" The drunk looked at the sky
Is it the moon or the sun?" The drunk looked at the sky
and then looked at them, and said,
"Sorry, I don't live around here."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------
2) Irish Job Application
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a
famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied
for the same job and since both applicants had similar
qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the
Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both
men had only one wrong answer.
famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied
for the same job and since both applicants had similar
qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the
Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both
men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "
Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided
to give the American the job."
to give the American the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got
19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being
Irish surely I should get the job."
19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being
Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but on the question you missed."
answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"
better than the other?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the American
wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "
wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "
You put down,neither do I.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #93
Maturity - Useful Advice!
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope
they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others
-- they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty
things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #90
Time for some classic I Say - I Say Jokes
My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #92
Marriage Jokes and One-liners - Researched by Alan Turnham
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny
(not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal
partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
(Bill Cosby)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
(Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
(Benjamin Franklin)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
(Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water
in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
(Henny Youngman)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #94
Computer Tech Support Calls
Here are actual calls to computer technical support reps:
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD,
but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it into
the computer yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the circle around it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #95
* Real Notes Sent to Milkmen
These notes were left in milk bottles.
Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house
but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen
pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake
me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened
over a cup of tea.
More notes left in milk bottles
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you
deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months
old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on
the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I
don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup
in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we
want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog
out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice.
_________________________________________________-
No comments:
Post a Comment