JOKES TO THINK ABOUT !!

''We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her 
job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than 
$12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say 
words that end in 'g.''' —Jimmy Kimmel.
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''While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also 
plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you
 haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror.''
 —Seth Meyers
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'Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over 
America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing 
big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay.'' —Bill Maher
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''Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution.
 Let's make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they're up 
front about screwing you.'' —Jay Leno
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Why Do Women Live Longer?


Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims particularly 
in Afghanistan.  Back in the 1990s long before the current Afghan hostility 
she spotted that women walk about four paces behind their husbands. 


When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret that women 
still walk behind their husbands.  She pondered why, despite the 
establishment of women's rights, wives still pace behind their husbands.


Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the Afghani 
women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old custom that you 
once tried so desperately to change?'


The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
 said, "Land mines."


She filed her report back to America with the leader:


Behind every Afghan man, there's a smart woman!
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Don't Mess With the Elderly


Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered 
a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young 
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple 
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in 
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'


'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,'
 and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed 
it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at 
least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse 
manure onto her hallway carpet.


'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure 
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'


Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, 
young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
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Aussie Darel Takes a Dive


Monty Kelly, a rich man living near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided 
that he wanted to throw a party and invited his buddies and neighbours.  
He also invited Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.


He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.  Everyone was
 having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting ...


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile
 in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' 


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and 
everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing 
the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of 
stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping
 the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc 
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it 
float to the top like a dead goldfish.


Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him 
in disbelief.  The host says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.


The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. 
How about half a million bucks then?'


'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.


The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
 How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?  
Again, Darel said "No."


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?


Darel said,'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.
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