Thursday, March 31, 2011

Humor Blog #2

I have to confess, I enjoy life! In my lifetime, I have had my up's & downs just the same as anyone else who lives and breathes.Thats just the way life is! Don't waste it!  You only get one chance to ride this "life-time" trail of life, so make sure that you enjoy it.
I have scrounged(sponged,mooched & pilfered) from the internet, "all of the 
free jokes and stories" that I could find so that I could make up some Blogs under:"It is Time for Humor"

365 Times a Year! That’s No Bull

I took my wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is about breeding bulls. We came up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, “This Bull mated 50 times last year.”
My wife poked me in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”
We walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign, “This Bull mated 120 times last year.”
My wife hit me and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”
We walked a little further to a third pen with a Bull and a sign, “This Bull mated 365 times last year.”
My wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day.” You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
I turned to my wife and replied,
Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol’ cow.”
A poem showing how Absurd the English Language is.

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it’s true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose
And think of goose and yet with choose
Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don’t agree.

This was written by Lord Cromer, published in the Spectator,August 9 1902

2 Cups of Coffee, Golf Balls and The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some  items in  front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
they agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.
Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things – family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and  car.
The sand is everything else –The small stuff.
if you put the sand into the jar first,’  He continued,
'there is no room for  the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first –
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
‘I’m glad you asked’.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

Please share this with other “Golf Balls”.

WalMart Greeter Fail
My One Day Employment

So after landing my new job as a WalMart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…. 
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said
pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’
So I replied,
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe
someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at WalMart.’
My supervisor said that I probably wasn't cut out for this kind of work~

On a serious Note: March, 2011

Supreme Court justices questioned the underpinnings of a massive class-action lawsuit against Wal-Mart on Tuesday and whether female employees could show that a common, discriminatory policy governed the company’s pay and promotion decisions.
…while women make up 80 percent of the company’s hourly workers, they account for only 30 percent of its managers. They allege pay discrepancies, unequal promotion policies and a male-dominated management.
Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. and Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. asked, in effect, whether Wal-Mart is any different from other large companies.
Alito wondered whether a company would be in violation of civil rights laws if the disparities in its workforce were typical of other companies. Roberts ventured that Wal-mart might even be a little better.
Is it true that Wal-Mart’s pay disparity across the company was less than the national average?” Roberts asked Sellers.
MY GUT FEELING is that given the pro business bias of the Chief Justice John Roberts, the Women will lose their case!

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