Thursday, March 31, 2011

Humor Blog #3

I have to confess, I enjoy life! In my lifetime, I have had my up's & downs just the same as anyone else who lives and breathes.Thats just the way life is! Don't waste it!  You only get one chance to ride this "life-time" trail of life, so make sure that you enjoy it.
I have scrounged(sponged,mooched & pilfered) from the internet, "all of the 
free jokes and stories" that I could find so that I could make up some Blogs under:"It is Time for Humor"

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected
as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part
of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for federal anti-smoking campaign

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .


“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas .

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it..”
–Al Gore, Vice President, Bush or Quayle???

“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix “
– Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain
types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because
we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night
as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout
the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead,
there’ll be a record.

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. 
The day came and as the four sat
around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’ 
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. 
That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.
‘Hmmm…..let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’ 
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.. 
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’. 
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said. 
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’ 
‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response… 
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already filled my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! 

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction..”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game ?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I  prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

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