Friday, March 4, 2011

Just Plain Good Old Jokes to Entertain You.

Idle Thoughts of a Wandering Mind 

1)  I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now 
     I don't know what to feed it.

2)  I had amnesia once---or twice.

3)  I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
    Now what?

4)  Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were 

5)  All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't 
    make me happy.

6)  If the world were a logical place, Men would be 
    the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

7)  What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

8)  They told me that I was gullible and I believed them.

9)  Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the 
     home and, when he grows up, he'll never be 
     able to merge his car onto the freeway.

10) Experience is the thing you have left when 
       everything else is gone.

11) One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk 
       about other people.

12) My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

13) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

14) The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

15) How can there be self-help "groups"?

16) If swimming is so good for your figure, how 
      do you explain whales?

A youg couple got married and went on their honey moon. When they
got back the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon"

'Oh,mama,"she replied,'the honeymoon was wonderfull! So romanic!"

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But,mama as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language--things I'd never heard 
before!  I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You have to take me 

"Sarah,Sarah," her mother said,"calm down! You need to stay with your
husband and work this out. Now, tell me.what could be so awful?WHAT
4-letter words?""Please don't make me tell you mama,"I'm so 
embarrassed, they're just too awful!! PLEASE COME AND GET ME!"

"Darling,baby,you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother 
these horrible 4-letter words.

sobbing,the bride said,"Oh Mama....he used words like: dust,wash,iron
,and cook.."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,"said the mother.

Subject: Fw: Idiot sighting



We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest 

one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." 

We haven't used Sears repair since. 





Working in a law office, I started to FAX a legal document for one of the attorneys.  As I started to dial, he came running down the hall, shouting, "Wait, don't let it go, I don't have a copy for myself." I guess he thought that it would be beamed up. 

From: Long Island , NY 


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and  I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, "You gave me too much money."  I said, "Yes I  know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."  She sighed

and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing."  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.   


I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by 

cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." 

From   Kingman ,   KS . 


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. 

From   Kansas City   



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham,   Ala.  


The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer in   Wichita ,   KS . 


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. 

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.  


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"  His reply, "I know. I already got that side." 

This was at the Ford dealership in   Canton ,   MS .

I love this one!:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from   Hawaii  to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!" 


They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE...                                                                                                                                                                           

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