Thursday, April 28, 2011

Humor Blog #5

Subject: Dead Penquins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

                                                     "freeze a jolly good fellow."

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!



An interesting fact about "Manure"
  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to
be transported by ship and it was also before
commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shipments of manure were common.
  It was shipped dry, because in dry form it
weighed a lot less than when wet, but once sea
water  hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which a
by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was
stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could (and did) happen. Methane began to build
up below decks and the first time someone came
below decks at night with a lantern,....BOOOOM !
  Several ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined  what was happening.
After that the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on
them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower deck so that any water that
came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane
  Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T.' (Ship High In
Transportation) which has come down through the
centuries and  is still in use to this very day.
 You probably did not know the true history of this
word. Neither did I.
I always thought that it was a golf term.


Mexican Maid

A Mexican Maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked :

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria : 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I
              want an increase.

MARIA :  The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife :  'Who said that you iron better than me?
Maria :  'Your husband said so.'
Wife :  'Oh'

Maria :  'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife :  'Nonsense, who said that you were a better cook than me?'
Maria :  'Your husband did."
Wife :  'Oh'

Maria :  'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now) :  'Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria :  'NO Senora, the gardner did.'



Subject:  Blonde joke

 A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was:
Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a- Friend Lifeline,
and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it
because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
 But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
 and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
"That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that
her friend had given her.
And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the
logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer
absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your
assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way ...... how did you happen to know the right
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."


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