Saturday, October 1, 2011



Will and Guy's Wedding Jokes, Short Stories 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to 
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for 
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. 
(Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut 
 (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. 
(Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. 
(Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water
 in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said,
 'In the lake'.
 (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person 
you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
(Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 
(Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages.
 (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as
 I learn what it is I'll get married again. 
(Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. 
(Henny Youngman) 

More Clean One-liners for Your MC Wedding Speech

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you 
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 
The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, 
I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 
'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' .
 Next day he received a hundred letters. 
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
 than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
 Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - 
I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life 
thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. 
 So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. 
 In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever 
he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.  The man
 thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars 
and beat me half to death.'

How do most men define marriage? 
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
 it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
 forget it once.

After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him:
 'You'd better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, 
which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.'
The next day, a bathroom scale.

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning 
service.  After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the 
couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the 
congregation.  For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names 
of those who were to be married.
'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?'  
Father Henry requested.
Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, 
and six single men stepped to the front.

A groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding,
 reports the Metro.  Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago
 that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day.  The health
 and safety training organiser, from Hull, said, 'I was away 
working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made 
and didn't think she would let it happen.  But when we got into
 the register office I turned round and there he was walking up 
the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.' The 27-year-old 
bride added: 'It was a wonderful surprise.

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate 
my daughter's marriage.  Just for your information the seating 
arrangement has been specially organised with all of the people 
that bought large presents being placed towards the front and 
those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the back.  (Pause)
There is a special thanks for uncle Fred who is at the back for 
the oven glove.  (Pause) 
The bride would like to ask uncle Fred if she could have the other 
glove for their Silver Wedding Anniversary.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited 
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss 
the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests 
they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The chemist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Chemist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Chemist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for 
Parkinson's disease?"
Chemist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Chemist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Chemist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding 
presents list."

What Kind of Wedding Do You Want, My love?
'I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.'

If you are making a wedding toast, here are ideas to get your 
creative juices flowing.  In fact, if you don't have to make a 
wedding toast then you can really let your imagination run wild.

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by 
someone deeply gives you courage -
 Lao Tzu

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking 
outward together in the same direction - 
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Love is friendship set to music - 

They do not love that do not show their love -
 William Shakespeare

Love is life - 
Leo Tolstoy

Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by 
imagination - 

May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but 
flooding the river - 
Traditional African proverb

Insomuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the
 beauty of the soul - 
St. Augustine

Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a 
glance and whose ending is eternity -
 Kahlil Gibran

We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We 
never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow 
of love for others -
 Walter Rauschenbusch

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same -
 Emily Bronte

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved - 
Georges Sand

Without love, the world itself would not survive - 
Lope de Vega

When love reigns, the impossible may be attained - 
Indian proverb

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz,
 for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he 
perceived as the problem.
'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because 
my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?'
'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less 
who left it to you.'

Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy,
 for example; this can be a choice, or a condition imposed by 
environmental factors.

While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster,
 Yorkshire, England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator intone, 
'It is so very important that husbands and wives know the things that
 are important to each other.'
He turned to the men and asked, 'Can you each name your wife's 
favourite flower?'
Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria's arm gently and whispered, 
'Self raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Nicky's life of celibacy.

On the day of the nuptuals, everything went well. Nevertheless, 
Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee.  
Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says,
 'What's the matter, daddy?
 Why are you looking so down in the mouth so?'
'I'm not really sad, darling,' Luke replies, 'it's just that I'm sure 
everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.'
'No they didn't, daddy,' she answers, 'No one I told knew.'

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the 
Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for 
 $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for  $150.'
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her 
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend  $5,000 to ship your 
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her 
buried here and spend only  $150?'
The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried 
here, and three days later he rose from the dead. 
I just can't take that chance.'

In the morning the day after my nuptials, the phone rang. 'Reverse 
charges call from Jackie', said the operator'. 
'Will you accept the charges?'
I couldn't think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; 
so I said no and put down the phone.
A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's Jackie', 
said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.'  

John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for 
their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a 
mobile telephone.  Emma is excited, she loves her phone.  
John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied 
features on the phone.
On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. 
Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi ya, Emma, 'he says,
 'how do you like your new phone?' Emma replies, 'I just love it, 
it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's 
one feature that I really don't understand though.'
'What's that, Emma?' asks the husband.
'How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?'

'Hello, Bill,' exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time in a
 while. 'Did you marry that girl you used to go with or are you still 
doing your own cooking and ironing?' 
'Yes,' replied Bill.
'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll 
look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.' 
'But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew. 
''I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love 
him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot, 
and not try to understand her at all.

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