Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Humor #7

* Thief and the Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily
crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud
voice clearly saying, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."

* Parrot Exposes Cheating Husband

A cheating husband was exposed after his wife's parrot mimicked his voice calling out
another woman's name.

Frank Ficker, 50, has now been kicked out of the family home by wife Petra, also 50,
after she heard their 12-year-old parrot Hugo impersonating him on the phone to another

Petra, of Freiburg, Germany, said, 'Hugo always liked to mimic Frank and he could do
his voice perfectly.

'Frank asking who's at the door, Frank yelling at our nephews, Frank telling me he loved
 me. And then one day I heard him doing Frank's voice, but saying ' Uta, Uta'.'

Petra turned the house upside down and found two plane tickets for a weekend break in
Paris booked for her husband - and a mystery woman named Uta.

She said, 'I kicked him straight out. It's just me and my parrot now.'


It’s All About the Green Thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic
bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and
explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then,
they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an
escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the
grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time
they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green
thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did
dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But
that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a
screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended
and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do
everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the
mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or
plastic bubble wrap. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They
exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t
have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a
cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They
refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced
the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor
just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing
back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a
24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an
entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t
need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.



Solve the mystery!!!  3 Ladies from Minnesota

A detective story So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game...

They  smuggle a bottle  of  Jack Daniels into  the ball park.

The  game is very  exciting and they enjoy themselves
 immensely...mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.

 Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the
 game still has a lot of innings to go.

 Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many
 players are on base?

  Now think!

 You're gonna love this....


It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked how old her husband was? '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, Hardly worth going home, isn't it?


One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he steped into the laundry room,
he shouted out to me,What setting do I use?
It depends,I replied. What does it say on the shirt?
He yelled back,"OHIO STATE"
(And they say blondes are dumb.)

A man and his wife,now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been so good that each one
of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline /cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
Whoosh! Immediately he turned 90 !!!
          (Gotta love that fairy!)

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because,Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed,
     gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did  not hold the pillow down long enough.


Ah, the Golden Years!

A row of bottles on my shelf - Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop - Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take - Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot - Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain - And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze - Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all - Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright - Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills - Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know.......... -
Is what tells each one where to go!


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