Monday, May 16, 2011

WOW,That is really funny

For My Golf Friends
Golf is harder than baseball, you have to play your foul balls!

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took
his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an
eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with
an eight iron.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
“Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor.
“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied.
“Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely
a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from
the University of Tennessee and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?’  She replied:
“Everything but my ear rings!”

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother.
“You have to count my strokes,” my brother told him.
“How much is six plus nine plus eight?”
“Five,” answered the nephew.
“Okay,” my brother said, “let’s go.
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed
by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable
tip: your life is in trouble
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the
phrase ‘maul it again.’
A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers … neither of whom
can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter
how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out
and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and
miss every green. The next day you go out and
for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and
the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider
this game..
Golf is the only sport where the most feared
opponent is you
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too
seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
Scratch Golfer
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and
met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer
asked, “What’s your handicap?”
“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied.
“Really!” exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was
paired up with her.
“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

Someone who is fed up with people.

The only animals you eat before they are born  and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

Grape with a sunburn.

Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favourite!!

Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.

> I'm glad English isn't my second language.
> An Ode to English Plurals
> We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
> But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
> One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
> Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
> You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
> Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
> If the plural of man is always called men,
> Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
> If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
> And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
> If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
> Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
> Then one may be that, and three would be those,
> Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
> And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
> We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
> But though we say mother, we never say methren.
> Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
> But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
> Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
> There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
> neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> English muffins weren't invented in England .
> We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
> we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
> and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
> grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
> Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
> If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
> get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
> If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
> Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
> should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
> In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
> We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
> We have noses that run and feet that smell.
> We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
> And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
> while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
> in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
> in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
> in which an alarm goes off by going on.
> And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

And this last one is sooo true! My granddad,we called POP!
Only someone with a death wish would call my Grammy "MOP"

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