A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
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Duck Hunter
In Humor on September 3, 2010 at 3:41 am
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when decided to take a leak…He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged..shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.”Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.
“Oh,well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the man replied ” is your brother a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “He’s a flute player in the local symphony….He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you won’t pee in your eye.
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A $50 lesson
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she
wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted
to be to be President some day. Both of her parents,
liberal Democrates, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the home-
less people.' Her parents beamed. 'Wow....what a
worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over
to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep
my yard, and I'll pay you $ 50.
Then I'll take you to the grocery store where the home-
less guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use
toward food and a new house.
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she
looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't
the home-less guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $ 50?
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
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Layman's language 10 commandments? Great reading.
Someone has written these beautiful words. Must read and try to understand the deep meaning of it. They are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time.
1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.
2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large and the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.
3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.
5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!
7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"
9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today’s PEACE. If you really enjoy this, please pass to others. It may brighten someone's day..
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
· Does the man look poor or oppressed?
· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away?
· What does my wife think? What about the kids?
· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
· What does the law say about this situation?
· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
· Should I call 9-1-1?
· Why is this street so deserted?
· We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day.
· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such misbehavior.
· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
· This is all so confusing!
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
· BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
· Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
· BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
· Click
· Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
· Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"
· Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"
You just gotta love Southerners.
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Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
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