Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Will and Guy's Humour - Funny Story about a Mobile 
Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, 
some thing nice for their first wedding anniversary.  
So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone.  Betty is 
excited, she loves her phone.  Frank shows her and 
explains to her all the different and varied features
on the phone. 

On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local super
market. Her phone rings and it's her husband, 
"Hi ya, Betty, "he says, "how do you like your new 
phone?" Betty replies, "I just love it,it's so small and 
light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one 
feature that I really don't understand though." 

"What's that, Betty?" asks the husband. 

"How did you know that I was at Tesco?" 

* Funny Story About a Mobile Phone

Fred rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, 
women drivers are a hazard to traffic.  Driving to work 
this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left 
and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70 
mph with her face up next to her rear view 
mirror putting on her mascara. 

I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next 
thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane. 

It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver 
into my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone.'

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an 
airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want 
to talk? Flights seem shorter when you do!."The little 
girl, who had just started to read her book,replied to 
the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global
warming,universal health care, or stimulus packages?" 
as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer 
all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little 
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse 
round waste.Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's 
intelligence,thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no 
idea."To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel 
qualified to discuss global warming, universal health 
care, or the economy, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old 
lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth 
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about 
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
 her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
 she answered. 

"Interesting," the newsman thought. 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a 
little about her first three husbands and what they did 
for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time 
to reflect on all those years. 

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she 
answered proudly, explaining that she had first married 
a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus 
ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and 
asked why she had married four men with such diverse 

 she smiled and explained, "I married one for the money,
 two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Will and Guy's good but clean Irish Jokes

1) Look to The Moon

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.  
Paddy says to Seamus, "What a beautiful night, look at
the moon."Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, "You are 
wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started 
arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk 
walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. 
Is it the moon or the sun?" The drunk looked at the sky 
and then looked at them, and said,

"Sorry, I don't live around here."

2) Irish Job Application

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a 
famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied 
for the same job and since both applicants had similar 
qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the 
Manager.  When the results were in, amazingly, both 
men had only one wrong answer. 

The manager went to Murphy and said, "
Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided
to give the American the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 
19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being 
Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct 
answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be 
better than the other?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the American 
wrote down, 'I don’t know.' " 

You put down,neither do I.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #93

Maturity - Useful Advice!

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly 

As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make 
someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope 
they panic and give in. 

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people 
are just jackasses. 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only 
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. 

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others 
-- they are more screwed up than you think. 

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. 

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back. 

 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #90

Time for some classic I Say - I Say Jokes

My wife's gone to the West Indies 
-No, she went of her own accord.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #92

Marriage Jokes and One-liners - Researched by Alan Turnham

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
(Henny Youngman)  [For those who do not know him, Henny 
(not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to 
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal
 partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
 (Bill Cosby)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for 
marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
 (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 
(Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
 (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 
(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water 
in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?"
 She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. 
(Henny Youngman)


Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #94

Computer Tech Support Calls

Here are actual calls to computer technical support reps:

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, 
but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
 It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it into 
the computer yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. 

 Customer: I have a huge problem.
 A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, 
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
 but how do I get the circle around it?

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #95

* Real Notes Sent to Milkmen

These notes were left in milk bottles.

Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one. 

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. 

Cancel one pint after the day after today. 

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. 

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. 

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today. 

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house 
but two sons on the dole. 

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and 
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. 

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen 
pints, but the other way round. 

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake 
me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. 

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
 Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened 
over a cup of tea. 

More notes left in milk bottles

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you 
deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ? 

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months 
old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me. 

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. 
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. 

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on
 the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I 
don't want any milk. 

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money 
out of cup 
in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we 
want to play bingo tonight. 

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, 
for I wrote this note yesterday. 

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog 
out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
 P.S. Don't leave any milk. 

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either 
as he is dead until further notice. 

No comments: