Sunday, August 28, 2011

Amusing Sayings #1

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #134

** Witticisms **

#I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.

#Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.

#I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

#Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

#If all is not lost, where is it?

#It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

#If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

#The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

#I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

#It was all so different before everything changed.

#Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

#Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

#A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

#I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

#It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

#Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

#The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

#If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

#Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

#If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

#An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

#A closed mouth gathers no feet.

#It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

#Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

#The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

#Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.


Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #131

** Celtic Blessings **

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand

* Irish Drinking Toast

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

* Alternative Toast:

Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet! 

* Irish Explanation

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, "How can you come here," she said, 
taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" 
"Now!" he cried, "And you always thought I was out enjoying meself." 


Nervous Habit

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"
Today's Joke About Health

Saturday, August 27, 2011
How's Business?

Here are some likely responses to the above question by 
various tradesmen.

Said the sailor: Knot bad.

Said the coffee salesman: It's a grind.

Said the drummer: It's hard to beat.

Said the astronomer: Things are looking up.

Said the dressmaker: Just sew-sew.

Said the street cleaner: Things are picking up.

Said the pianist: Right on key.

Said the botanist: Everything's coming up roses.

Said the floor polisher: Going smoothly.

Said the deep-sea diver: I'm about to go under.
Voice Changes

A man was driving his four year old son home from day care one day, when seemingly out of the blue, he asked "Daddy, is my voice going to change one day?

"Yes, it is" was the reply.

"Why?" he immediately wanted to know.

While the father was pondering exactly how much he needed to explain at his tender age, the little boy very excitedly exclaimed:

"Well, when my voice changes, I’m going to speak Spanish!"

today's Joke About The Military

Saturday, August 27, 2011
Why People Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are "actual" stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." Her response... ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Wedding Registry Changes

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

No comments: